At Least Blueberries Don't Stain

One nap please.....

2011-01-30T13:50:00.001-08:00

Really. Truly. When did squeezing in a nap become more difficult then stuffing a size 16 booty into a size 2 pair of jeans? Hmmmmmm?
Because really, truly all I want is a nap. Just an hour long restful, quiet, peaceful nap.
The main problem is my work schedules. The secondary problem is the on the days I am home to take a nap, the child has no interest in my plan.
So, really the bags under my eyes, the slowness in my step, the tired ache in my voice they'll never go away.
I have turned myself over to a napless life.

My Faux Thanksgiving,,,,

2010-11-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

Dear blogging world, last night I had the joy of having faux Thanksgiving dinner (Actually it was my sister's [sister pictured here, isn't she pretty?] birthday dinner, but who's to say it can't act as both)?

Let's begin with me explaining why I needed a faux Thanksgiving dinner. Once I heard about the enticing time and a half pay at work, added on top of the 3 year old being with his father, I saw no sense in wasting this wonderful working opportunity.

It was really an all day event for me. I spent most of the day in the kitchen preparing different things, which I don't like doing everyday, but every once in awhile this can make me feel quite good about life on the whole. The other fabulous thing about this faux night was all my siblings were there. There was no turkey but there was deliciousness in other forms. Mind you the food was not my favorite part, which I don't say about very many meals (Welcome to the mind of a chubby kid). My favorite part was the many slightly awkward moments that passed in our conversation. Where to start? . .. . .. .. . . .
(Mini cupcakes, all 60 frosted and coated with sprinked deliciousness).

Earlier the same day the 3 year old had been holding a plastic cup with jellybeans in it, and was making an awful lot of noise jumping around shaking it. While doing this he was singing, "Shake, shake shake, shake your penis." Obviously teaching the anatomically correct parts to a 2 year old can and does/did backfire. This lead into talk about the correct thing to call body parts. Now, obviously our special parts don't have pretty names let's not kid ourselves, however leave it to my mother to decide that "Twat" was a better name to call our lady parts than anything else. "Twat" really? As if the vagina needed an uglier name than it already has. This was decided at the dinner table over cord on bleu, thanks mom!! Would you like a little twat talk with your salad anyone?

My junior high trauma was also brought up. Which one you ask? ....Well, in 7th grade two friends and I decided we would try out for choir. For those of you who have heard me sing you can understand my voice is not one to be shared in a non sarcastic setting. Its not good. To make matters worse I sang "You Lie" by Reba MCentire. For those of you who have never heard this song please go you tube it now. I'll wait. .. .. . .. .. A very high pitched song, no? Very high. No one tried to stop me from humiliating myself by singing a song that was way out of my range. Not a soul. And no, I didn't make choir, thank you very much!! So, we revisited this moment just so I would know it was remembered. You know the moment I've spent years trying to forget.

Someone had asked me earlier in the week if my brothers were gorgeous, I brought this to the table's attention to get every one's opinions. My sister decided their beauty was only skin deep. She said this out loud, mostly because the girl's mother who told my sister, mother and I that our beauty was only skin deep was sitting at the table. She didn't get it. For the record my outlandishly obvious, remarkable unexplainable beauty is, for the record, only skin deep. At least I'm in good company with my family being in the same boat though.(one of the brothers in question.)

The night ended with a dance. This for once was not my doing. It was better than my doing. It was my sister in law's outrageous, well rehearsed sexy stripper dancing. She waited until all but me and my bro had cleared out. After she had taken off her coat and thrust it to the floor she proceeded to go down into a squat against the wall as if it were a pole. As if this in and of itself weren't good enough my dad walked out of the bathroom at just that moment. Picked up her coat for her as she picked herself off the ground. She shamefully took the coat, as well as my applause!!!(the other brother in question, as well as his wife. You know the one with the moves. Don't let the babies fool you, she's no uptight mommy).

My point is my Faux Thanksgiving/sister's b-day dinner kicked ass. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

With much Love, Amy

I ate, and ate and then. .. ..well you get the idea.

2010-11-15T12:02:00.001-08:00

I had the absolute pleasure of going to "A Taste of Salt Lake" last Saturday at Grand America Hotel, and I gotta tell you it was the best night I've had in ages.

There was food EVERYWHERE!!! It literally lined the walls, it surrounded me, it engulfed me, then I engulfed it. I got to dress up. Not the Halloween kind of dress up, which I also love. The fancy kind, which is initially stressful, but turns wonderful.

So, So, the event was a fundraiser for cystic fibrosis, and there were auctions going on and such. Multiple restaurants were there dishing out some of their signature dishes, just in little sample sizes, which was perfectly dangerous. Every time I returned to the table I was carrying 2 plates. I'm not joking. I literally ate/drank myself silly. I was a giggling stuffed woman by the end of the night. It was spectacular!!

This is after the eating.... I told you,feeling good.

These were the most delicious strawberries, I LOVED them. I ate 3 of them, and could've eaten more. They were SO GOOD!!!

I got my picture with these girls. Look how little they are, I could just put them in my pocket. . .. .

Some of the restaurants that were there Thaifoon, P.F Changs, Log Haven, La Caille, The Melting Pot, Tuscany, The Roof, Rodizio, Flemings, Cafe Niche, Nothing Bundt Cakes, etc. etc. etc..... ETC....

My point is if you ever get the chance to go to this event do not turn it down. I tell you, you will not regret going.

Admission

2010-09-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

So, I'm finally ready to say it out loud. I am a fitness dvd whore.

I feel some explanation is in order. You see, my gym membership ran out 4 months ago, or so. And with my life being the way it is, all unsettled, unsure and up in the air I have not yet gotten a new one, not life (well that too), gym membership. What's the point really of renewing when who knew where I'd be?

With summer approaching at the time I figured it was a perfect time to have no gym membership weighing me down and dooming me to 4 hours a week (well probably less) inside, the world could be my gym. I could run on the streets and at the track. I could do lunges across the field, I could lift.......... things. I could stay fit without my beloved treadmill. Right?

So, I have been without a gym membership. So what's become of me?
Well I only run twice a week, for 2 solid reasons #1 when I have the opportunity to go, its hot. #2 Hey child, how about you sit in a non-running stroller for an hour or so? What that's not fun for you? What? You weigh 40 pounds. Oh, never mind, no running with you. Oh yes and the 3rd, (counting is hard) the other option would be getting up early, however I no longer go to bed early on a regular basis so I don't love the idea.

So this is where we are. I have been doomed after all to a life of working out inside to fitness dvds. I've become this fitness dvd expert in MANY MANY ways. I get 2 new dvds from the local library every week, sometimes 3 if I'm feeling really crazy. I search amazon for great deals on fitness dvds. I read reviews on line and in fitness magazines about the best of these dvds, then I seek them out.

When you first begin doing a workout it feels hard because your body and muscles aren't used to the exercise, but after a while it becomes easier, so you have to up your workout, do 2 dvds, be more intense. Keep moving if they stop on the video. Do extra sets pausing the tv if you have to. I've begun picking my favorite bits from each video and switching them after the set is over to another video. So, I'll get an hour in, but have to take breaks to switch the movie.

I find myself wishing for some program that would allow me to combine all these smaller parts of the workout into one dvd that I can love, but change it daily to fit my mood, requirements, etc. In conclusion if this is out there please tell me about it, so my fitness dvd whoreish ways can be made easy, effortless, versatile and amazingly unique each day.

This is just some of the many I have at my house right now.

I see no way around this dvd craze other than waiting an actual stable life taking over my current one. Ahhh, stability. Which brings me to my next point at home fitness stuff isn't too expensive weights, jump ropes, stability balls, stretch cords, kettle bells, the large amount of junk in my trunk which adds to the body weight resistance factor. Why do I mention this? Is it to lure you fancy gym goers into becoming a dvd skank like myself? No. Because then all the good exercise dvds at the library will be checked out when I want them, then how can I jump from one program to the next with the greatest of ease?

So, anyone need any good fitness dvd workout recommendations? You know who to talk to.

2010-07-27T08:26:00.000-07:00

So lately, things have been shitty. Okay beyond shitty. What's beyond shitty, you may ask. I'll tell you. It's landfill naked shitty. Not only do I have shitty to deal with, but I'm in a landfill with all its discusting garbage and I myself smell like poop, (or to go along the theme, shit). (But for some reason I think the word "shit" is uglier than "shitty", is that weird)?

Anyway, things are bad. So beyond the constant, uncontrollable weeping that can happen over just about anything, and by that, I mean over everything. There's this accompanying stressed out feeling like my life is doomed and always has been, and probably always will be. Why am I doomed? Weep, weep. Along with the stress 3 monsterous zits have taken over the entire right side of my face, which causes more stress, and more of the damnned weeping.

I no longer sleep, and when I do there's these strange dreams about my own doom-ed-ness. There's no real escape unless I stay really busy and give myself ONE MILLION things to do. Even then it can happen, the weeping. I've found that reading helps as long as the book is captivating enough. So really any amazing book suggestions would be a ton of help.

So as I sit in my own self loathing/sorrow/hatred/misery/beyond shitty-ness one has to wonder what makes it worth it?

You're Late

2010-05-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

So on a recent cleaning stint of my old bedroom I found a letter from my old days working at The Hilton. After reading this letter you will realize that we not only had some free time on our hands, but we chose to use it wisely. The letter read:

Dearest Lamey,

I am distressed that you were not on time for your scheduled shift this morning. I don't know how to emphasize the importance of punctuality to you, but your co-workers were disturbed and weeping due to your lack of consideration for not only your job but your teammates were also let down today. I'm not sure why you've chosen to hurt everyone in this way, but the insanity stops here. Even frequent guests were questioning your whereabouts and I was forced to lie and say that an unfortunate surgery mishap took place and you wanted a professional to look at your new and extra appendages. This fooled them temporarily, but the fact that I'm going to Hell for having to lie on your behalf is more than I can take. I hope you're happy with the decisions you're making today, and the effects it had on the entire staff as well as hotel guests. To make up for the 10 minutes of agony we all had to go through we ask that you complete the following survey that has nothing to do with being late or work related instances. We do however ask that you do complete this in a timely manner to prove you're a changed woman who is sorry for her behaviors.

1. Do you pee in the pool or get out?

2. If you DO pee in the pool do you blame someone else?

3. Which of these do you think make better combinations pickle monkey, squirrel toast, or band-aid juice?

4. Have you now or ever thought of Manica as more than just a friend?

5. Are you uneasy when it snows or rains?

6. When driving do you look in the rear view mirror and pick your nose hoping no one is looking? Never mind don't answer that I saw you once and have never felt the same about yo since.

I hope this taught you a valuable lesson regarding your tardiness. Please remember we are all counting on you Amy, please don't let us down again.

Thank You,
Clock Watcher Staff # 4

My one question upon reading this was how more employers have not implemented this into their tardy policies. If an employee is 10 minutes late they have to fill out a meaningless yet insightful survey. 15-20 minutes late they must choreograph a short yet meaningful dance which incorporates maracas. 20-30 they must throw together a fund raiser in 30 minutes or less, if they don't raise more than $500 for a local food bank during this fund raiser, they're fired. That's all I'm sayin'.

Growing up, Growing old, Growing Restless

2010-04-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I went out to dinner with some girls/women/peeps from high school. We do dinners to celebrate birthdays, I love going, and talking and catching up. There's something so nice about seeing friends who I grew up with, and have known for so long. The drama of high school is gone, we have kids, relationships, jobs, hobbies, and varied interests. Everything has changed in our lives, but friendships remain.

Anyway, after that long, dragged out explanation, age was brought up, (we were celebrating a birthday after all.) This got me thinking about late teens/early 20's, and the mentality that filled my brain. I was trying to figure out life, myself, relationships, people, and the world. To be honest it was overwhelming at times, and I was so naive, to well. .. .. everything.

I spent college dating guys who weren't good for me, or to me at times. I feel at times I have spent my life trying to capture the attention of that special someone only to realize what an ass they actually were, how frustrating. Maybe we've all been there, not really understanding what it was we would actually gain, but knew we wanted........ something.

I feel lately like I'm in a funk. I want more in my life. I want it all. I want a good job that I'm proud of. I want to be a good mom, I want to be proud of educational accomplishments. I want to be smart, and interesting. I want a solid foundation to stand on. I want to not be so selffish. I want to be fit. I want to cook well, and read good books, and have insightful things to say about them. I want to burst into dance at random intervals and not care who's watching. I want someone who'll dance with me.

Five years ago my life was different. My goals, aspirations, and perspectives were on a much different level. I want more now, I expect more out of myself. Which makes me wonder what's going to happen in another five years. What will I want then? When will I step back and look at my life, and say, yeah I'm doing good I'm where I want to be I'm content?

I often wonder if anyone else feels this restlessness that is my constant companion. I wonder if it'll ever go away. Or if the older I get the worse it'll become. I look at these friends I have known for several years, and some of us are in the same places and some of us are not. I sometimes wish I knew someone once felt this way and now no longer does. I want to know that it'll go away with the next degree or the big job, or a good book, or a race well run. I want to know that eventually I'll be able to stop searching.

Happiness!!!! LA la la loooo mmmmmm...

2010-03-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

MY list of happy things in no particular order:

- A good Run

- Crepes with fresh strawberries buried in the middle

- Car dancing
- Kitchen dancing
-Bathroom Mirror dancing
-Bedroom dancing, no not that kind, I mean actual dancing here people.

- Frightened Rabbitt, my new favorite band obsession

-When the little boy dresses himself, it can be quite ridiclious and quite entertaining

- A good pair of jeans

- My bed, my deliciously comfortable, amazing bed

- Laughing about silly things with my girlfriends

- Texting nonsense to pass time at work

-Reading a good book

-The possibility of a new adventure

-Traveling to new places

-Sitting on the beach

-My beach cruiser, I miss you Lady, and hope to ride you soon

- When I have a good hair day

- Dresses, don't tell anyone I put on a sour face like I hate them, but seriously don't mind having an occasional occasion to wear them

- The feeling after a good workout

- Visiting new restaurants

-Talking to the lil boy in the mornings when he comes in my bed, and still being amazed about the things he says

- My Life as Liz, yes the MTV show, I love that girl

HAPPY DAY ALL!!!

Cardio is my calm

2010-03-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

It always seemed strange to me growing up my mother would tell me if it hadn't been for swimming when I was little she'd of had me on Ritalin. Really. My mother said this to me. She says lots of things to me, nice things, mean things, complimentary things, honest things. I can count on her to give it to me straight, and sometimes the truth hurts.
I never really got what she meant until I was done swimming, and didn't have the luxury/obligation/ to swim everyday twice a day. To ingest chlorine. To soak it in my skin, to live for swimming. To dive into a cold pool day after day, and feel guilty and not quite right if I missed this wonderful/dreadful first shock of that cold water on my mostly naked body.
Where was I going with this? .. ....

Of yes, I didn't get what the woman, (my mother) meant by her very forward, probably true Ritalin comment until I had finished my swimming "career." I found this calm in the water that I took for granted because it was there everyday. The quietness of being underwater is surreal. Because when you come up and there and 40 swimmers in motion the water is not calm, the swim pool deck itself is not a quiet place. But there's a rhythm to it, the constant splashing of water. The breathing, the echoes. Its like a different world co-existing two inches apart. Amazing.

I find this calm more so now when I go to swim, because most of the time I go alone, and when I come up there aren't 40 others keeping the rhythm. As I'm gliding through the water I just feel powerful and strong, and like this is for me. Not for a team or a time or a meet, its just for me. Recently while training for a half marathon ("halfy", as I lovingly refer to it, to close family and friends) I've found a similar calm in running. On days my run has a possibility of getting cancelled due to life, I get stressed and cranky, and kind of mean. I need the run. My body craves it, then hates me for it after, silly body.

I'm out there running for me, and yes it is for a race, but its for me. It calms my soul, it puts perspective into my day, and into my life. I find it funny, in my nerd-ish sort of way, that pounding up and down on pavement would bring a calm to my life, but it does. I love the pounding. I love the rhythm. I love sticking in my ipod and worrying about nothing but running, it clears my mind. Some people have meditation, some religion, some drugs and alcohol, (maybe I shouldn't have put that one right after religion, my mother may have something to say about that one. I wonder if she reads this.)For me, my escape, where I find my calm, my center is in exercise.

To put aside the world, obligations, concerns, worries, etc., for an hour to do something just for me makes a world of difference. It makes me a happier person. It makes me more focused, and more patient. So once in awhile being self fish pays off. So on I'll run, or swim, or plyo it up. Because in the end I'll be calmer, more centered (and have a hot ass, which makes me happy too).

The woman at the Gym

2010-02-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

At the gym the other day I experienced a good chuckle, that had nothing to do with my gym skills. It was a typical Sunday morning, (well sort of, I normally spend my Sunday mornings at work, beside the point, carrying on), I began on the treadmill, like I do. Just minding my own business, running, messing with the pod, and I looked up to the front row of treadmills, to see a woman I recognized. We're not friends or anything she's just been around the gym circuit. She had gotten off the treadmill she was running on, I thought maybe she was going to get a drink, because she had left the treadmill on. However, she began pacing, did she just get off the treadmill to pace? Yes, yes she did. She got back on and began Miley style, hands up. She was dancing, shaking her booty, and her hands were flailing around in the air. Wow!! That woman is dancing right there in the front row of the treadmills.

She eventually began to run again. So I didn't notice her, until she repeated the same drill, off the treadmill to pace, while the treadmill forges on full speed ahead. I was laughing out loud, sadly I knew no one in close proximity to share this moment with. It was gold, people, gold...!!!
I of course at this had no choice but to continue watching her, I figured I have forty minutes on this treadmill what else am I doing? The woman had a wedgie, was she afraid to pick it? No she was not. It was a deep dig, it was up there. It took her not once, or twice, or three times, NO 4 times!!!!! 4 deep digs to get this wedgie out of her ass. She got it though. She was persistent. I personally wanted to yell some encouragement to her. Come on lady dig deeper. You can get it!!! After each failed attempt I was so sad, but she kept trying. What an inspiration to wedgie sufferers everywhere, who feel as if they can't pick them out, she did it!!So can you.

A few points I'd like to reiterate: The woman got off the treadmill to PACE..... she left the treadmill running full speed, and GOT OFF the treadmill to pace. .. . ? WHAT????? I had to say this again.

Also, once I got off my treadmill to get a closer look, (and to pace) I was so ecstatic to discover this woman wore no headphones, she was dancing to the beat in her head. People, she was shaking what her mama gave her like she was in a club, and yet she wore no headphones. HELLO!!! I'm still laughing about this.

She got off the treadmill to pace. Do you get how ridiculous this is? Anyone?

Wait I have a wedgie.. Almost got it,, ,, ,,. .. Almost. Okay. Oh no it's back. Now, okay. I'm good.

Why I could never be homeless, BY: Amy

2010-01-17T10:19:00.001-08:00

So it all began at 4:50 a.m on a cold Friday morning in the Salt Lake City Airport, tucked away in a dirty breakroom. I trudged into work, groggy, unhappy to be there, and brain function at only about 2 percent. Like I always do, walked to my locker ready to prepare myself further for the cold by adding a few more layers to my already layered body. Then something happened, my locker lock was GONE!!! My brain quickly jumped up to 4 percent, I opened the locker to find it empty, EMPTY!!! Brain kicks up 5 percent, what has happened to my shi***)(? Who took my shi**&"? I began to inquire with the few other brave folks who chose to work at the butt crack of dawn. My lock had been cut off with others, others who were no longer working there...... HMMM.... ..Have I been fired? Am I on Office Space? Am I being phased out?
I went about my duties quite cold dawning only one half of the layers I would've liked to have. My hands, head, and body froze against the cold wind, brain power down to 4 percent. Curse words against said training woman who theived my layers, how dare she try and phase me out?

Doesn't she know who I am?

Around 7:30 a.m when the uppers had finally joined us at work, I followed her (said theif) to her office to retrieve my things. My things were given back to me in a large plastic garbage bag. Really? This is what my things have been reduced to? A garbage bag. That's fine. I'll be going now, and I'm taking my garbage. ... . . . Things, with me.

I left head held high, massive garbage sack slung over my shoulder. I had to go through the massive crowds in the airport. Yes, carrying my garbage sack. AWESOME!!!!

I have no idea how I got so much stuff into one little locker. It was a lot of stuff, and not a lot of locker.

This experience has given me a new perspective on my life, yes thats right. I really could never drag my stuff around in garbage sacks. Not only because its degrading, and heavy, but because I have a lot of shi. . . .***>>> ! It would take several grocery carts worth of stuff for me to be homeless. I would be required to set up some sort of pulley device around my waist that connected all the carts together.

Just think during the day when I'd be wandering around looking for cans to change in for small change, it'd take several minutes for me and my carts to safely cross the street. People would be honking, and getting angry.
My back would be sore from the pulley, and I would probably be grouchy.
No one wants that.

S-U-N

2009-11-04T13:32:00.000-08:00

So, I've been singing, "Mr sun, sun golden yellow sun in my head all day." Thank you Barney. With that said I've decided to take this opportunity to give a shout out to the sun, and tell him just how much I appreciate his presence in my life. For real, it makes me so happy to have him on my face. He allows me to take my child out for some much needed runnin' around. Sun is a dear friend of mine, and warms not only my bod but my soul.

Because of my dear friend the sun, I can actually get out and enjoy the fall; the trees, the cool air, the mass amount of leaves that have invaded the ground, with their colors red, yellow, orange, purple. Those crunchy leaves are everywhere.

I may go as far to say that if my dear friend the sun could stick around and continue his warming of my heart/spirit/face I wouldn't be mad. I may even get out more, swing my legs off a bridge and not even think about jumping, just swinging. (Although the colder the water, the less likely the jumping, but that's entirely beside the point.)Isn't it?

The point is if I could bottle up the sun and release him in full force daily between the hours of 9:30 and 12:30 I would. I'd release the hell out of him. I'd be all, "hey everyone here's our sun. Go play outside, go enjoy your lives, and this guy, my friend. The SUN." The rest of the day there would still be sun don't get me wrong,it'd just be especially sunny at those particular hours. Not sunburn sunny, but the kind of sun that makes you think of riding your bike barefoot down to the lake, feeling the wind in your hair, and the glorious, miraculous sun on your warm face.
So sun, here's your shout out, you're not only my boy, you're my man, SUN GUY, and I love you.

After much ado

2009-10-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

So, I've written several posts that have gone unpublished in recent months, mostly I decided not to post them because they showed the bitter and ugly side of divorce. The side that stays inside of me most of the time, and occasionally gets shared out of frustration that its not yet over, and feels as if it never will be. Sometimes my life feels as if it will remain in a stagnant state waiting for some judge whom I do not know, and who doesn't know me, to sign a paper that says its done.

It's time to finally move on.
Just one signature, just one name, to put an end to one of my names.
One official's stamp to put an official end to another official's words.

So, what to do in the meantime, while the waiting period continues?

I ponder if I'm enough.
If I'm doing enough with my life.
I'm not traveling enough, (well not to new places).
Am I experiencing life to the fullest?
I don't actually have a job, just in name I guess, and to be honest, I don't hate the jobless life.
When I did have a job, it wasn't what I loved. I loved the people and the benefits, but it wasn't actually fulfilling. It wasn't something I could go home from feeling good about what I'd accomplished.

A few weeks ago I finished reading the most depressing book, "The hour I first believed," the title is deceiving. Its so depressing, with no relief in the end. It's not that I need happy books and good news all the time, but I'm wondering if maybe I sugar coat things in life a little too much. Ignore the things I don't want to deal with in order to keep from being depressed and down. Is this normal? Can other people actually face their problems head on, deal with them accordingly and move on with their lives? Not that I run from everything that's hard to deal with and not happy, but in general I like things nice. Not always easy, but nice.
Am I expecting too much here?

I got a bit of the past today, luckily I was very distanced from it, but it made me realize that my life is good. The path I've chosen is the one I should be on. My life could've been a lot worse. It was refreshing to realize that my decisions in the past have helped me appreciate my future a lot more. Maybe in the past I have run from hard things, but maybe if I hadn't run, I would be in a much worse place. Perhaps I would be dealing with things much harder and with people much harder to deal with.

I'm not saying I will or should always run.
Maybe I'm saying it's officially time to acknowledge my mistakes of the past have been learned from.
From here on out I will vow to not make those same mistakes again.

Maybe its okay to run from things that aren't worth staying for.
And every once in a while its okay for things to be hard.

Thank Goodness for cereal

2009-07-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

How else would I have learned about the world wide web. Did everyone else know about this?
It was like eating the store name brand of raisin bran opened up a whole new world for me.
I learned that, and I quote, "there is no speed limit on the Internet highway." You mean to tell me I can go as fast as I want without getting caught for speeding.

Luckily this magnificent box helped me learn about emoticons, a way to express my emotions whilst not speaking one word.

AMAZING PEOPLE!!!! AMAZING!!

when did this happen?

2009-07-11T12:57:00.000-07:00

When did I become a ma'am'? I was at the rodeo today, yes a rodeo. This is what my life is now that a certain someone has decided the child is my sole responsibility and mine alone. Why should I get to go to Vegas or New York? How silly of me to even hope really. So, at the rodeo a young cowgirl asked me if I was my uncle's sister? Now, my uncle is not THAT old, and he started having kids later in life, so he does have a nearly six year old. I have a nearly two, but does this really qualify me as his sister? Maybe I should track down this cowgirl, who couldn't have been more than nine, and ask her if she meant to say "much much younger sister?" my uncle's brother, (who is also my uncle obviously) is only a mere two years older than me.
But I find it happening more and more, this being grouped with the older crowd, I'm not even married (well soon, hopefully) DAMNITT!! Doesn't that count for something? Being called "ma'ma." Could I at least pass for 25? 24 maybe? I really want to go play the "guess my age" game with a random stranger who would be honest, yet kind. I don't think I look too old, maybe I need to start wearing more sunscreen, do a few chemical peels, maybe a face lift.

That's me on the left, I got the head scarf at an early bird special at Macy's...

Technically I'm still under TLC's "no miniskirts over 35" rule. WAY under.
Maybe just more sleep, will help. It can only get worse from here, I'm worried I'm aging before my time, I'm still in my prime people, right?

Its all about the setting

2009-06-19T20:21:00.000-07:00

I got to thinking about parents who work full time and leave their kids with nannies, or in day care, or with sitters. I have never wanted to be one of those career women who leaves my kid to be raised by someone else during the day, and me at night. Now, granted for some people there's not an option whether they want to or not they have to work, they go to provide for these precious little creatures we call children. There are some who do have the choice, and choose work, not there's anything wrong with that, I just think differently.

I realized it's the little moments in my life that have made me feel this way, it's the unexpected kiss from the little guy, or the from the back hug that you didn't see coming (that doesn't turn into a hair pull). It's the unexpected new tricks that he learns, that make me swell with pride. Let's not lie, its putting him down for a nap and having a couple hours to shower, clean, or waste time blogging about things people don't even read. But I decided some of the best things that happens is the dialogue throughout the day, stuff you'd never say or hear if you were at an actual office, and I'll share some of these with you today, right now,;

"Why do you think you need to sit on some one's head just because they lay down? No one likes that."

Me: "I think it's your turn to pull me in the wagon, I'm tired."
Nearly 2: "Okay," gives great effort, grunts and all, then falls on the grass, keeps trying, "Mommy, heavy."
My self esteem plummets, I laugh anyway.

"Where's your helmet?"

Me: "What are we going to have for lunch?"
Nearly 2: "Poppers!"
Me: "No."

Nearly 2:"Mom, bum hurt."
Me: "Your bum hurts?"
Nearly 2: "Yeah"
Me: "What should we do about that?"
Nearly 2: "Bum cream."

"Do you need to go potty?"

Nearly 2: "Vroom, vroom, gurgle, vroom. Beep beep."

Me:"Why are you pulling my hair? That's hurts mommy."
Nearly 2: "Be nice," He says as he turns to petting my head.

Nearly 2: "Cuse me" (Excuse me)
Me: "I'm not moving so that you can eat toothpaste."
Nearly 2: "Cuse me"
Me:"You are using very good manners, still we don't eat toothpaste."

I picture these things being said in an actual office, and just have to laugh.

My compliments to the Chef

2009-06-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

So I got to thinking the other day about compliments, how I'm bad at taking them, what a good compliment actually means, and sometimes things that are meant as compliments but are actually not even close.

We'll start here; I am so bad at taking compliments I think I always have been, I almost view it as admitting and fully succumbing to the fact of your own importance and awesome-ness. Once accepting this compliment how do you live up to all the glory that surrounds it? Day in and day out how do you perform the tasks that qualify you to actually accept the compliment? So this is why I shun them at all costs.

You know what I do think is a nice compliment though, "She's such a doll." What a nice thing to say about a person, people love dolls. In fact they love dolls so much they actually buy them houses, what nicer way to express your love and devotion other than buying someone a house? Calling someone a doll is like saying you love and adore them so much you'd buy them a house!!! That's HUGE!! For the record I've never been called a doll, but whatever.

One of my favorite compliments is when our person says to another, "We make cute kids together." My interpretation of this; my hotness + your hotness has created even more hotness, my goodness we are so GOOD LOOKIN'!!

Sometimes things are given as compliments but in reality are not actually compliments. I have the perfect example from the other day, "You're like a commo expert." What? This is what my life has been reduced to. The truth is I want to be good at my job, but to be called an expert at something that is so non thought provoking and so unimportant, that's just embarrassing. If I were a doctor perhaps, and a patient was like "Oh you're an expert in solving the problems that pertain to my nostrils." Now, that's a compliment, but telling me I'm an expert at fulfilling the needs of my flight attendant friends, well not as huge of a compliment.

I also want to clear the air as far as what nicknames can be taken as compliments:
---"Champ!" Meaning, they think you are a real winner, perhaps a champion of their heart.
---"Scout," the person calling you this finds you friendly and helpful, and may think your skills at using a compass are very appealing.
---"Sport" You're athletic looking, muscular, and you're good at stuff. (You're Mindy's Kyle Corver.)
---"Smart Ass" Not only do I like the way your mind works, I also like the way you sit, what perfect posture.

So as far as compliments go they're easier to give and harder to receive a lot like herpes.

Vintage Wedding Refashioned Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-05-31T06:18:00.000-07:00

Vintage Wedding Refashioned Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

Goats don't actually eat JUST anything, & other stuff I know

2009-05-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

(Not all inclusive)
Sometimes I need nights like these:

And days like these....

There are days I need to listen to songs that say things like, ".....Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum, cause' I know that you did, your friend told me that you liked it.... yeah you make me merry make me very very happy....." This little British voice just cheers me up, and what creative lyrics.

Sometimes I feel like doing this.....

or this, because things are funny, or sometimes because nothing is funny, but crazy, and I do this in order to prevent a major melt down:

Every once in a while I feel like making up stories like, "And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street" By Dr. Seuss. Life would be much more exciting. I could see helicopters fall from the sky, the sole survivor resembles Matthew Fox..... I could run into an old friend who by chance happens to own a house boat/small scale yacht, and invites me to join her for a three week vacay to Lake Powell. While there I would just happen to run into the one ex I never wanted to run into again EVER!! I'd be with my beautiful child, who just per chance decided to behave and be charming (the child, not the ex). And alarmingly enough I just had my hair done, and lost ten pounds. "How crazy to run into you here," I'd say, my shiny hair gleaming in the sun. "I see you're alone, where's what's her name? I see you did get a little chubbers though, that's too bad," I'd said as I gave him a little poke in the belly. He'd stare sheepishly, and I'd just smile, my newly whitened teeth gleaming. At that point I'd return back to the small yacht, leaving him standing in his ridiculous state. Me in my bikini with my new ten pound weight loss.... Also I just got the news I'm gonna be on on "America's Next Top Model" luckily they're sending in a personal chef, trainer, and baby sitter for when I'm doing my Top Model stuff. Posing for photo shoots in exotic locations, on private beaches. Traveling to Australia, me and Tyra head out for dinner and drinks. I'd live separately from the other girls, I'm much older, and don't really need the drama anyhow.

I need people, and friends. Maybe not the same kind I used to have, the kind that'd stay up with me talking about boys, and working out, and clothes. I still need to talk about those things, but now we go out to dinner, or talk over the babies. Or wonder aloud if we'll ever have the motivation to work out ever again.

Sometimes the rain comes, and makes everything wet and muddy and cold, and I have to accept that I'll be be stuck inside....

And other times I realize the rain falls for a reason, and there are ways to enjoy it, and maybe it wasn't so bad after all being stuck inside, because maybe I got to do this with the kid....

I love houses that have a path straight from the sidewalk right up to the front door, how welcoming. The driveway to the front door path is okay, but if I'm walking to this person's house its so nice to walk right from the sidewalk straight up to the front door. I feel like they'll invite me in whether they know me or not. Maybe offer me some bottled water, that's been chilling in the freezer for thirty minutes or so, it's the perfect drink after my walk on a hot day. We'd sit on the porch talking about books, movies, politics, and the beautiful weather we're having.... This is what paths straight from the sidewalk right up to the front door do to me.

I can now spot and name about fifteen different types of construction trucks, thank you little man. Rollers, excavators, forklifts, backhoes, scrapers yah dah yah dah... These are everywhere in the summer, thank goodness finally something to entertain my child in the car.

I've learned to appreciate these.....

I now know, I want to ride the beach cruiser myself not be on the handlebars. It hurts my ass to be on the handlebars, and also it's a total safety violation.

Grosgrain: Persimmon Jewelry Kline Necklace GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-05-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

Grosgrain: Persimmon Jewelry Kline Necklace GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

Art Nest Pincushion RingGIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-05-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

Art Nest Pincushion RingGIVEAWAY!!!!

Picnic Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-05-05T21:08:00.000-07:00

Picnic Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

You're in or you're out....

2009-04-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am an outsider. I think many people are. Who is actually on the inside? Who is a member of this elite group that actually has their shit together? Are many people actually part of this group, or do they just put on that facade? I feel there are so many people out there who know what they're doing with their lives, know what they want, and have a plan about how to get there. I don't. That's the shameful, honest truth.

I think before I had my little boy, I was pretty sure about the world around me, confident in my abilities to live life. I had friends from different places, and things to talk about other than the amazing person my child is. He consumes me. I don't want this to sound as if that's a bad thing, I don't think it is. I just wonder what will happen when he doesn't need me. When he doesn't want me to hold his hand, when he chooses another playmate. What will be left of me? Clearly I can never go back to who I was before, nor would I want to. I don't think I was an AMAZING person. I just want some sense of who I am now to carry with me when he isn't completely consuming me, and I wonder if there's anything else left in there.

Life now is different, different goals, different friends, different ways of spending free time. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, it never sounded unimportant, it never sounded glamorous either. The truth of my life is, I don't know what the hell I am doing. I live day to day happily for the most part, but when I truly sit down and analyze who I am, I rely on no solid foundation. I stand on a wavy ship, that has no direction to sail, and to actually commit to one way is terrifying to me.

I look at my friends with husbands, kids, houses, religious duties, part time jobs, and etc. And I wonder how they do it. How they keep their shit together and do it well. Or at least put on a show that they are doing it well, and not on the verge of an overload meltdown. I used to live this life, (minus the religious duty), and I wasn't happy. And people will say, oh you weren't happy because you married the wrong person, but really is that all there is to it? If I had just happened upon the right person instead of the wrong one I could be happy? I don't think its that simple. Now, I'm getting into a matter of having the right attitude, right? with the right attitude you can be happy. Happiness is a choice I realize this, but at what point do your surroundings start to matter, and affect you. How long can one push away feelings of isolation, loneliness, and that sneaking suspicion they're under appreciated? We'll leave this alone for now. My point is I don't envy my friends with those things, and I'm sure they don't envy me. Do I miss my own house, my own space, my own way of decorating, my peace and quiet, my own messes, and my way of doing things? Yes, more than I can tell you, more than I can put in words. However, there are a lot of bad feelings I have toward the whole institution of marriage. Maybe some people, myself included, just aren't cut out for it. It might be, I'm too self fish, too independent, too critical, too stubborn, too set in my ways, too messed up. Where does that leave me though?

I don't want my kid to grow up in a world where he only comes home to me, where I have to work all the time in order to pay the bills. I don't want him growing up in some hole in the wall apartment because that's all I can afford, and I certainly can't live with my parents forever, for every one's sanity. I just feel like I want to be fearless again, maybe I never was. Perhaps that's why I am where I am now.

How long can someone live life not exactly knowing which direction will take them to where they want to be? Can I just act like I know what I'm doing until I get somewhere. "Fake it til you make it." I never believed in that saying. I've never been good at faking, being dramatic, yes, faking, not so much.

I might just have to chalk my feelings up as "one of those days." Maybe no one is actually on the inside, the inside of what? Maybe everyone has these days where they just feel like no one really gets them, and no one gets why they are the way they are. No one can really walk in another's shoes, and live the life they have lived which has caused them to think and feel the way they do. Maybe the only "in" someone really has, is with themselves. I am the only one in my head, and never will I have the ability to fully understand what is in another person's head, or see the world as they see it. I don't know if life will ever make sense to me. I don't know if I will ever have direction, and purpose. I just know that right now I am an outsider, outsider to some club for those who actually are better at life than me, which is not hard to do people. I am an outsider because people are living their lives, while I am waiting to decide which direction mine should be going. Until I decide I will be lead around by the little boy, who for right now needs me, and I need him.

Social Experiment 557342

2009-04-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

When I was younger my mom used to bribe my sister and I to sit like ladies at church with dollar bills. Now when I think back on this my mom throwing dollar bills at young girls in dresses could have been taken the wrong way. But as I said we were young, and knew nothing of wanting a career where people threw money at you for a living. She would make us a deal at the beginning of the hour plus church meeting, if we could sit lady-like enough to hold a dollar bill the entire meeting between our knees, at the end of the meeting we could keep it. Of course when you're nine this is not only a great money making opportunity, this is also a great distraction to keep from listening to the speaker at the front of the church. Looking back at this, it was as miserable "sitting like a lady" then, as it is now.

The more people I talk to about what I'm doing the more I realize there is a very divided line between the sexes; On the male side they, of course, think it's a great idea, a wonderful way to express my femininity. They tend to love the way a woman looks in a dress, or skirt, and of course heels. Why do men love this? Do they have the same feelings when it comes to shorts? They still get to see a little leg. I have come up with a couple theories of my own. The first and most unpleasant; I think men love the prospect that they might get a little show, sick I know. However, with my unlady like ways they may have. Sick I know.
To any man out there reading this and getting offended that I would ever suggest your sex to be full of perverts, I apologize. I, of course, am not talking about you personally, but they are out there, and if I were more attractive, had a 22 inch waist, and a chest the size of large cantaloupes don't act like you wouldn't be trying to take a peek. Or if not you, someone you know, your potty mouth friend from work who pretends to be picking something up off the floor as the previously described woman walks by, but of course I know YOU personally have never and would never do such a thing.
The other reason I believe males are so for the whole dress idea, who doesn't like the person they're with to look put together? I know that when I'm out even with the little guy I like him to have his hair combed, I dress him in a cute little outfit, and have his face washed, etc. These past two weeks I have done my hair more than I have this whole year. I can't seem to justify not doing it when the rest of me is all dolled up, then people would be playing the "one of these things is not like the other" game with my attire and hair. I like to be out with people who take care of themselves, and wearing a dress and being done up is the epitome of that for a woman, is it not?

When I have told females what I'm doing they give the "why the hell would you do that to yourself look?" When they see me they ask how its going with a little knowing chuckle, in this chuckle they say I know you are miserable even if you do look more put together than usual. Women know what wearing a dress is like, it doesn't have to be uncomfortable, for short periods of time. If you have the right dress, it isn't too bad at all. However, as you get in to long stretches of wearing dresses you realize there is no way to not be constantly thinking about where your dress is falling and flapping, and who is getting a show they may or may not want to see. Women know that wearing a dress does require upkeep, and have too many other things to think about in their lives. The thing that has been the most consuming the past two weeks has been changing my comfort positions. How does one sit comfortably while not in Indian style? As I type this I realize I am sitting Indian style now, luckily I have on leggings. (which saved my life the last two weeks.) I love them, just not as much as I love my jeans. Men can usually sit however they want, their legs can be spread out across two continents and no one would think anything of it. Women can't get away with this, especially not in a dress.

After doing this I will most likely throw on dresses more often when going out, as I so often do with my crazy busy social life..... well four or five times a year when I leave my house other than for work, or the grocery store. I did discover there are benefits of a dress that I hadn't previously noticed. I did feel more put together, it made me put time into my appearance. My wardrobe has increased in my eyes, I no longer fear having to wear dresses only for the right occasion. I discovered a new love for leggings' how can you not love these pieces of stretchy goodness, that wrap themselves around your legs and keep you warm? They add color and fun to what may be an otherwise plain dress. Leggings are key for the everyday dress wearer, which by the way I don't suggest for anyone.

When all was said and done I hope if nothing else this experiment can bring people around the world together in one united cause.... yah dah yah dah, and world peace.

Dress Etiquette

2009-04-07T13:29:00.000-07:00

Social Experiment: Nearing the end of Week One:
I have made it this far, and as I say this I am sitting here in shorts, dress-less, in my defense I have not yet showered today, and just woke up from a nap. Boy, do I sound like a winner. I worked this morning and upon returning home, a very tired little boy greeted me. He insisted on sleeping in my bed, which is understandable, my bed is what I imagine it would be like sleeping on the inside of a cloud. Wrapped up, cushioning your every movement. It's AMAZING! The tired little boy is still sleeping off his late night last night and early morning today. I really can't go back in there and wake him just to get a skirt.

Now, let me say I have gotten some flack for doing this experiment, there are nay sayers out there. People who think this is absurd, pointless, and undeserving of being called a social experiment. I have been mocked, tested, and called silly, but I have withstood this criticism. Some think this social experiment will prove nothing, to them I ask is changing the world all about removing the polluting factories, doing away with violence on television, adopting impoverish children from foreign countries, or could there be more to this? Isn't change brought about by opening people's eyes to the things in the world which they may not have seen before? Is it not educating young minds about different ways of life, living outside ourselves to prove the only way to change is to take the first step toward it. Think about it naysayers, critics, and concerned family and friends....

Doing this experiment has opened my eyes to a couple of things;
#1- 5 year old have different rules, than 26 year olds do. For example when a five year old wears a skirt she can still get away with doing this.....

When you're 26 not a good idea to be flung around in the air flashing your business for all to see. Although, what goes on behind closed doors, in a private environment is your business.

#2- As a mother, I sit on the floor and play, bend down, squat, and am generally not in a lot of positions which are conducive to a dress wearing lifestyle. I have been forced to sit more creatively on the floor, check behind me before assuming a squat, and paying attention to where my skirt falls. My position must be one which the dress falls in such way that the least amount of exposure is achieved. I have to think about angles, and peeping eyes, and sudden gusts of unexpected wind.

#3- In Utah our experience of Spring presents us with an array of temperature to be dealt with or enjoyed. In the last week it has snowed, when you are in a skirt and it snows your outside time is limited. My legs have slowly turned from whitey to smurf in no time flat, chills have taken over my entire body beginning with my bare legs, and working their way up. I curse the snow at this point, as I have been doing for months possibly years now, and I go on with my skirt wearing ways. On the other side of a Utah Spring, it was 70 degrees yesterday, my bare legs relished in the vitamin D, basked in the warmth of it, and my voice praised it's name, "SUN!!!" I sang, "Sssunnnnnnnnn...." The breeze was nice, and the dress convenient.

#4-Today I received my first "Are you leaving the house like that? You Look skanky" comment. The responsible dress quickly became my favorite. I probably would have worn the dress for the next two days if the little guy hadn't gotten a spaghettio fingerprint right on the front of it, causing a need for a trip to the washer.

#5- I miss jeans, more than I can say, it hurts to have been away from them for so long, and I hope to reacquaint myself with them as soon as possible. My experiment is only a little longer than a week from ending now, at which point I may sleep in my jeans just to welcome them back into my life.

Social Experiment

2009-04-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

On a recent trip to Orange County I witnessed a woman in her forties (couldn't have been younger) wearing a skirt the length of my hand, (no longer) her forty year old ass was on display for everyone to see. EWWW.... She was with a man in his 60's (no lie here), who she was rubbing up on, and hanging all over. It was quite the display. Her skirt was poofy at the bottom, and her bottom was out of her skirt. The shirt she wore left little to the imagination, it was a halter top with some emblem in between her bosom to bring attention to the area. What? You need more attention lady?

I, myself am not much of a dress wearing woman. I like my jeans. I like them tight, butt hugging, thigh engulfing, low riding jeans. This episode in Orange county has not made me decide to wear skanky skirts, but seeing this public cry for attention has made me realize that wearing skirts/dresses can be inconvenient, uncomfortable, and not always my first outfit choice. So, I have decided to see if wearing a dress or skirt EVERYDAY can work for me. Clearly this is nothing life altering, but it does give me a new way to look at my closet. I gives me a reason to be girly, and it allows my legs the freedom to breathe.

Here are the rules:
1. I must get dressed before noon, (except for today)
2. I can wear leggings
3. I don't have to wear skanky skirts unless I choose to, in which case anyone reading this is forbidden to judge me, it is a social experiment after all.
4. If I get sick of the skirts and dresses in my closet I can go buy a new one as long as it is on sale.
5. I have to do this for two weeks straight except for when I go to work. k?
6. I can wear the same dress or skirt twice, just not two days in a row, b/c that just looks as if I have given up on life
7. The experiment started yesterday I am just a day behind telling this place about it.

At the end of the two weeks I hope to have made an impact on the world around me, as well as on myself. It's social experiments such as this one that allow others to open their eyes to the things in the world that are crying out for attention. Dress on everyone, dress on.

This was from day one of the experiment, which has yet to be named. For those of you who study this picture closely, yes I am wearing slippers. The rules said nothing about heels. Thank you.

Summer of 69 Thrift Store Refashion Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-03-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

Summer of 69 Thrift Store Refashion Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

Random thoughts while running through M-Town

2009-03-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

Why is it that every time I go past a 7 Eleven, there's a kid coming out dressed in black from head to toe, riding a bike, one of those that the seat looks as if its too short, and the handlebars are too high, of course he's smoking a cigarette. He has a friend with him, the friend has no bike, maybe it doesn't matter because the rate at which the kid on the bike is smoking he doesn't ride the bike too fast, or too far.

Another dog barking at me, are you kidding? Shut up dogs. You know they can have their barkers taken out, not a bad thing I wouldn't think. It seems every fence I run by there is another dog. Huge dogs, dogs the size of small villages. "Bark.. Bark!!" With their barks they say, I want to eat you alive, I'm stuck behind this fence in this crappy yard, where grass is nothing but a distant memory. I live outside in Utah weather with nothing but this fur to keep me warm. "Bark, bark bark." Take me with you, I can't live here any longer, I haven't been outside this yard in 10 years, dog years are longer than people years. Help me!! Bark, BArk, BARk, BARK!!! Take me or I will eat through this fence, and track you down.
Shut up dogs, I'm running.

There has to be a hurricane coming with this much wind, am I wrong here? Could it at least help push me along instead of blow right in my face, pah pah,,, yucky...why did I get bangs cut into my hair? Now I am eating them, pah pah...!

"So what, I'm still a rockstar I got my rock moves, and I don't need you..." Doing rock moves in my head. I'm actually quite a good dancer in my head. "I'm having more fun!!." Pah pah, bangs!!

Why would anyone golf in this weather? An extra challenge I suppose. There's no way to calculate the wind, it seems to be blowing in every direction. In fact I think I have wind lash.

I think those skinny horses are giving me the stink eye!! Whatever skinny horses. I realize you have nothing to do but wander around getting skinny and eating grass, but for those of us who have temptations such as Carmel popcorn and have tendencies to not exactly know when to stop and say enough is enough, I am going to be sick. Well, that's why I'm out here running. Stupid skinny horses. Stupid delicious Carmel popcorn. Sticky fatty goodness.

Is honking at the girl running in the hurricane wind really necessary?

"I need you to hurry up now, because I can't wait much longer.... la la let's get lost tonight you can be my black Kate Moss tonight, play secretary . .. " WHOA!!! What kind of girl does this Kanye think I am? First of all, I'm white as they come. Second of all......, well we won't even go there.

I think that dog may kill me. Why is he wandering the streets without a leash? He is huge. He should be locked up. I don't think I can exactly out-run him. Maybe I'll get lucky and one of these cars will run him over. I'm going to some kind of animal hell I'm sure of it. But it's either him or me. I have a child, I can't go down like this.

The phrase "Remember that one time at band camp?" It's funny I don't care who you are.

Pah pah, wretched bangs.

"Control yourself take only what you need from me. A family of trees falling... la la" Was the mystery ever solved about the tree in the forest falling and no one around to hear it? That was quite the debacle.

Is it better to live by the rules?

2009-02-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

What is wrong with me? It seems I have this aversion to rules. I don't even think its on purpose, it just seems to happen. At work the past few months I have been going under hours, which at our work is a cardinal sin, one of the biggest don'ts. The thing is no one said anything for months, so I continued to go about my business of leaving as early as possible at night, and giving away as many shifts as I could. This worked well until a few weeks ago when I was called into the shift manager's office. I was told I had gone under hours 10 pay periods in a row, not good. I was also told I am allowed no more sick calls until August, and can't be late until then either. WHAT??? CRAP!!! At this point I was suspended for three days, which I pointed out would cause me to go under hours once more. They said I wouldn't be held accountable for these pay periods, I thought it was foolish because of the fact that their suspending me was causing me to involuntarily further my bad behavior. This did nothing to change their mind, and I got 3 days off.
Out of this whole suspension experience came yet another talk. I was forced to go talk with the main supervisor over my department, this in order to sign papers and come back to work. Well I've had run-ins with this man before. My aunt who works with him later told me he said, that I seemed cute and smart it just seemed like I wanted to fight him on everything. Do I need the conflict in my life? No. Do I care enough about this person to invest in fighting with him? No. Did he call me "bud" as I was leaving his office? Yes. Did I expect a playful punch in the shoulder to follow? Yes. It didn't.

Now, if it had been this one incident in my life that pointed to me being a non rule abiding gal I would probably change the behavior, laugh it off, go back to work and do better. However, this isn't just a recent problem I have encountered of unintentionally breaking rules, and having it backfire. Why can't I just obey the rules, and live contently like so many others seem to do?
>
I got booted out of BYU for honor code violations, I had a string of boyfriends whom my family and friends all disapproved of, for reasons I refused to see. These boys ended up being bad for me in different ways and because of different things, but I refused to give them up just because those who cared about me told me to do so. It was something about me thinking I saw something in them no one else could, because they weren't in the relationship in reality it was the other way around. Silly me.

I got pregnant and I thought for once following the rules and getting married would actually go in my favor. How can one girl be wrong so many frustrating times? I ended up leaving to do it mostly on my own, (with help from those who were bound by blood). I want to raise my child in a world where he looks past the rules once in awhile to discover new things, places, and people that maybe are beyond the rules. I don't want him to become a felon, a druggie, or a trouble maker, but I do want him to look past what the world tells him he should do, or what he has to do. I want him to see the world from both sides, as a rule keeper when its safest and in his best interest to do so. On the other hand I want him to push the limits to reach goals, see the world differently, and find out what works for him. He pushes the rules on a daily basis, and it drives me nuts, because he's not always safe, and doesn't always stay right by my side. He explores, he pushes, and he learns by doing so. How can I always say no?

I guess the question I am throwing out to the universe, to myself, is what is better to follow the rules and conform to what "we're supposed to do" or to be your own person live the way you way to and say F you world, I'll do what I want. (Within reason of course). Its not that I want to break the rules, its just that I don't always like following them. How can I be a good mother, employee, citizen, and person without doing it in my own way all the time? I don't need things my way ALWAYS!! Right?

Happenings in Ovid. . .

2009-02-19T06:13:00.000-08:00

Ovid, Idaho folks, Ovid Idaho . .. . .

Snowboarding pics, there were lots of wicked sick jumps . .

At one point Mike felt it was necessary to attack his younger bro, he did later apologize, and they were fine, boys are so funny like that. Get mad, get physical, get over it. What a way to live.

Looking out off the sledding hill, you can see part of my grandparents house, barn, and shop, and of course the lovely, but cold, snow covered mountains.

These are just a bunch of trees from one of my snowmobile rides, I was quite happy to see some Fall color had hung on, even in this less than forgiving climate

Sunset in Ovid. I can't get enough of this stuff. I actually was loving it up there, crazy Amy.

Night ride, it was amazing up on this mountain. If I hadn't gotten stuck so many times on this particular ride, I'd probably suggest night rides to all. Instead I'll say ride at your own risk.

Its a Wonderful Life

2009-02-14T06:38:00.000-08:00

I take great pride in the fact that I'm not a movie crier, I don't get emotionally charged very easily, and stay pretty level headed. That's why this morning while going through random blogs I got a bit of a surprise. Whilst reading through some random blogs, I came across one about the state of the U.S's economic situation. The author talked about a man whom had to be at least 70 asking for a job at Trader Joe's, and in the process flexing his bicep to ensure the assistant store manager he was strong and capable. In this same post there was a 9 minute clip from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life," Its at the end where George decides he wants to live, after he realizes his wish is granted he rushes home to hug his wife and children. Numerous neighbors and friends come to pile money on the table, money that will help keep George from being taken off to jail. I just was crying as I watched this, (what me crying? What's happened to me?) My justification, how often do I actually take the time to appreciate my life, and all that I have in it? How often do I over look things I should recognize and appreciate? How many times has the world passed me by as I've been too busy focusing on the mundane-ity of life, work, feeding the child, and stress that feels as if its creeping in on me? I know other people are good at balancing stress, work, gratitude, love, kids, and other important matters, why can't I be?

I guess I do have to admit life is great, I live in a world where my child consumes much of my time, energy, and day, and it is wonderful. I couldn't ask for a child with more wonder, adventure, happiness, and love. I'm healthy, I have good people in my life, I've had some wonderful experiences growing up, traveling, meeting many people that have affected my life in positive ways. I look back on my life and I have made some horrible mistakes, but without them I wouldn't be where I am today. Which, mind you, isn't my ideal or my optimal, but it helps me to strive for a better life for me and my little boy.
This world is full of good; its full of good people, amazing places, calming sunrises, and colorful sunsets, oceans and beaches that make life seem better just by being there, music that can alter and enhance moods, breath taking art, great food, mind changing movies, eye opening books, rainy days that make you appreacite the sunny ones even more, it has over-looked beauty and everyday heroes. Its often hard to see these things because life gets in the way.
Thank you George for giving me a moment to stop myself, and the world around me and realize that life is beautiful.

The Sacred Day of Love

2009-02-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

Since Valentines Day is my absolute favorite holiday, the most necessary, and not a huge waste of a holiday, I decided to write a list of do's and don't in honor of this ever special day....

THE DO'S

Do: Shave your head leaving only a patch of hair in the shape of a broken heart. Dye this chunk of hair black. Big or small heart it matters not. Use this as an outward expression of your broken black soul.

Do: Sit outside Hallmark with an old school ghetto blaster playing, "I'm Lonely" over and over again until the store manager asks you to leave or he'll have the proper authorities show you off the premises. As you go carry your ghetto blaster on your shoulder, song still playing. Make sure not to cover up the broken heart on your head.

Do: Ring people's doorbells then run into the middle of their front lawns where they're sure to see you, and scream "STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!" (The ghetto blaster is optional).

Do: Go out to a nice restaurant by yourself Valentine's night, stare at couples intently, if they shift uncomfortably, that's fine. If they throw food at you, fine. If they get a different table, fine, request to move with them. If they invite you to join them for dinner, great, say you don't want to intrude, take your drink and join them as you're saying this, show them your ghetto blaster at this point.

THE DONT'S

The thing is there, really aren't any don'ts about Valentine's Day, other than don't hate on couples for wanting to use this day to express their undying devotion for one another. So what if they choose to do so in public, for all to see? The smooching, hugging, codling, rubbing their noses together, gazing into one another's eyes, sharing the same un-naturally long strand of spaghetti, and meeting in the middle of their candlelit table for a marinara kiss. All you need is love right? So go forth lovers, love on!!!!

Things that amuse me.

2009-02-07T10:30:00.000-08:00

So I was looking at a picture book my mom pulled out to show me how much my child looks like one of my brothers, (the truth is that in one picture he does, but I don't see any striking similarities in others.) I think he just looks like him. Anyway, this book was chalked full of pictures of me from childhood, and to be honest I was kind of nerdy. I know this comes as a shock, even to me as I say it. I just look at myself in these pictures and realize I'll probably always be this way. One step behind in fashion, never wanting to take any real risks. Always playing it safe, and maybe I come off as boring and plain, but it doesn't bother me. I look at my older sister and think she's always been cute, fashion-like (as much as we could afford anyway), her hair was always up with the styles, and I just am like this nerdy, loud, tall girl. I was never shy or smart. . . just nerdy. Which seems contradictory, but that was me. I should scan a pic in to prove my point. I'll see what I can come up with.

There are many moments in motherhood that are quite laughable, I was driving the other day in front of a car that didn't appreciate the fact that I was going the speed limit. Who chose to follow me so close, which I didn't appreciate. So I was like, dude back off, you're so annoying. Finally the car backed off and eventually turned and I was like "Thank you dip . . .. ," in my not so sweet voice, and my child in the back seat in his sweet little voice chimes in "Tha..nk ....you." I just started laughing.

The other day nannying, the two brothers I watch were fighting over something, my child comes over to where I was standing away from them, throws his hands in the air, shakes his head, and breathes a sigh of what seemed like "We just can't win with these two." At least someone understands how I feel.

So work is finally at a point that I feel happy about who I work with again,there was a while there that it was a little rough, with the anal folk parading about, taking their job way more seriously than my job or theirs required. I realize we need these type of people in the world, but do I really have to work with them? Please Jesus, no. Its hard to describe the funny things at work, because when I write them down, few will get them, and they may not seem funny, but to me these small funny moments make my job much better than if my moments at work were spent with Anal _____, or Captain ______, or even Skanky ______. Anyway you get the idea.

I'll leave it at this, in the past month or so the following has occurred:

--2 tiny bags of sun chips for 90 passengers, that should do.

--"Are you hitting on her?" "No that's my niece. Thanks."

--"I actually own my own business, and do really well, I'm quite well off, however I work here full time, for the flight benefits." Crazy random liar guy. Inner laughter, ME.

--I just played cards for four and a half hours straight, and they're paying me for it. Also me.

--"So let me get this straight you're not going to go to San Fransisco, because you don't have coffee? You're going to cancel the flight over this? Me
"The passengers need coffee, they will not want to go without it." Flight Attendant, with her head in the clouds.
"So you think passengers would be more angry about not having coffee, then about not going to San Fransisco?" Me laughing outwardly.

-- " I can't come to work next Friday, tan legs is going to yell at me for not staying to listen to his meeting" Me
"Just tell him you unexpectedly started your period, and had to leave, go into details." Kyra
"Brilliant." ME

--The great soda spill of 2009, this occurred one cold January night, when the unnamed spilled 80 cans of soda every which way, soda gushed and sprayed, and shouted at the aluminum cans which held it hostage for so long.
Me laughing uncontrollably outwardly. Since then many more spills have occurred, the culprit will remain unnamed, me still laughing outwardly.

And now for the list, (of things that I find humorous and or amusing, or confusing):
-Cheesy wedding songs, for so many different reasons.
-The Office, so many one-liners, sometimes I zone out and think of these lines in my head, and find myself with one of those glazed over smiles and life is good again. Thank you Office.
-The thought of telling 4 year olds what I really think, but not actually doing it.
-Fighting fights you'll never win.
-The name Bernard
-Books, namely those that I read and wonder how on earth these people found someone to publish such bullshit
-Girls who try too hard.
-The line in the movie "Just Friends" where she yells across the bar, "No, I'M BUSY!! STUPID DICK!!!!"

-Guys who think they're hot because they spend hours a day in the gym, an go lay in a tanning bed for several hours after.
-Thinking about the time I had to walk 3 miles home from the bar in the pouring rain, and the offer that was placed before me on the way home, to make out in the cemetery. Don't worry I said no thank you.

-The music video days, this was before American Idol
- The fact that American Idol is so hugely successful
-The song Chris Farley sings in "Tommy Boy" Fat Guy in a little coat. I feel like that everyday of my life buddy.
-Will Ferrell as a Cheerleader on SNL. No wait I didn't find this amusing, I was just jealous I was never in that skit, other than in my heart.
-The time my other BFF sang to me in Spanish while in Washington DC
-When Kristi and I locked the freshmen in their room and Becky was pissed, ha ha.
-The time I told a Vietnam vet my nom joke, not knowing he was a Vietnam vet.
-"Sex and the City" not the movie, just the t.v show.
-The time I told the parents of my class I was not a Nazi, I was teaching at the Jewish Community Center.
-The line in the Hills, where Spencer tells Heidi, he's actually glad she got her job back so she could be done moping around their house all day, he's really sensitive.
-The time I told my youngest brother he was adopted and he believed me, and started to cry, because he wanted his real mom and dad.
-Telling someone to wrap it up when they're in the middle of a never ending story, and they look at you baffled.

Speaking of never ending stories I'll wrap this up...

Pics from the last couple of days

2009-01-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

I was taking a picture of the bridge, and the sun which had been m.i.a all day was peeking through the clouds reflecting off the water, and this was just a lone weed. I think my new goal is to start finding more photo ops.

This is a bridge just off of Bangerter, although when I originally planned on taking pics today it was blizzarding outside, I'll have to take one another day, if the snow isn't elusive again.

I actually took this in my bedroom without opening the window (it was really cold out), I was surprised it turned out as clear as it did.

This is J cooking, or being cooked rather, inside joke I guess...

Monogamy.

2009-01-23T21:54:00.000-08:00

So the whole concept of two people joining together as man and wife for as long as they both shall live, till' death do them part, for time and ALL ETERNITY!! Is this reality? Can this actually happen. Can two people who lead two separate lives actually join together in loving matrimony, and stay together for what they are promising to? It seems that everywhere I turn people are separating, going through a divorce, hating their spouse, or contemplating the what-ifs of single-dom.
I do realize there are people out their who have lived "happily" married for a number of years, but is this really the norm? do people really find someone who they can actually spend the rest of their lives with in wedded bliss, or is the world doomed to the ever-increasing divorce rate?

How do people actually make relationships work? I have yet to figure this out and feel I never will. How does a person put their spouses needs/wants first and not end up becoming resentful? I know there are countless books, seminars, classes dedicated to the subject of marriage and relationships, but I feel there is no magic ingredient, no special secret. I once thought that two people who dedicated themselves to one another, and to the marriage could do it, could actually make it through the 50 or so years they were both living together in wedded bliss, and maybe part of me still believes this, but as it often does my cynical side loves to take over.
Is marriage for everyone? Probably not. What's the best alternative? Living it up as if they never aged over thirty, going to bars, churches, coffee houses, in hopes of meeting their next relationship conquest. Going through partners like others go through sticks of gum, and spitting them out when the taste turns funny. After a string of sometimes fulfilling sometimes meaningless relations inevitably dying alone, a withered up old prune, some young nurse smacking them around in the nursing home is a person's fate.
I suppose there is another way, which seems to be America's way at present: multiple marriages, multiple divorces, never staying with one person for too long.
Research conducted from . . . somewhere has said that married people live longer, are healthier and happier, and are better with finances. So, marriage is the answer right?
If so, why do so many marriages end up in divorce? My theory is that there are no two people that were actually made for one another, no two people fit together just right. There is chemistry between people, passion, fire, love, longing, connections, however not every aspect of one's upbringing, personality, education, economic background, goals, ambitions, desires, hopes, dreams, ideals will fit with another's. There will be conflict, eruptions, days when one wants to leave the other. Weeks when one wonders why did I marry this person. No one will ever meet every expectation the other has going into the relationship. It takes commitment, work, communication, and of course desire to stay together.
By no means do I consider myself a relationship expert, I'm the opposite. However, I do believe that monogamy is possible for those who actually want to live it, and want to be in it. There are others who will never be content being with the same person for 50+ years or even 50+ weeks. In my opinion neither way is right or wrong, it's just a matter of what you are looking for. I ordered a book on line the other day called, "My Horizontal Life." I'm sure this will be a scandalous book, but I'm very interested to read about someone who at one point in their life clearly shunned monogamy. I personally am a one relationship at a time kind of woman, too much to keep track of otherwise.
On the other hand I still am clueless about how to be in an actual functioning long term relationship, maybe this will come with age, time, or a lot of therapy.

The Perfect Fit. . .

2009-01-21T19:03:00.000-08:00

So I was reading today in "Vanity Fair", and yes normally I don't consider magazine reading "real" reading, however, there was a good article, and it took me more than five minutes to read it, which is another sign that hey, this article isn't just some fluffy easy read. Alright, so it was an easy read, but interesting and it did take me longer than five minutes, does it qualify for "real" reading? No, why are we even debating this? Lay off me, I just finished a novel, and yes it was good, but I haven't had time to search out another one quite yet.

So. . . in the article Cate Blanchett, was talking about a number of things, her career, marriage, children, projects, etc. One of the points she made got me thinking, she said, "I thought the most important thing was security, because of my mother. . . I thought I want to do something more practical." Of course she's speaking of her career, she was raised with two other siblings by a single mother after her father died. . . ."she found she couldn't get away from acting. . .It was inescapable. I loved the looseness and freedom.. . .when something is a vocation, you don't really make a decision about it." I found myself so jealous of this view. So envious of this passion. I know that other people feel this, and go on about their lives knowing that they do what they love, and what their hearts cry out for them to do. I am just not one of these people.

I work because I have to. I work because I have a child to support, and bills to pay, and a phone I don't want to get shut off. Is my work fulfilling? No, not always, well truthfully hardly ever. Do I wake up in the morning just over-joyed to traipse off to work? Let's not even answer that question.

Why is it so easy for some to find something that feels truly suited for them, while others struggle to find that perfect match? Why do some eighteen year olds know straight out of high school what they want to do for the next fifty years or so, and yet there are fifty year olds out there going, well I still don't know.
I heard somewhere once that the average adult changes professions like six times, like actual career paths. I was amazed., but I will probably fall into this category. I'll be the first to admit, that I am just average, but I still find myself wishing I could find that one profession that just called my name, and begged for me to love it, as it loved me.

Is it sheer luck for those that know what they want to do, are successful at it, and live happily doing it for many years? I'm not talking contentment here, I'm talking I love my job, and can't believe how lucky I am to be doing this for a living. This can't be the majority right? This has to be the minority of very lucky people.

One of my passions, photography

2009-01-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

My favorite thing about photography is that you can tell a story with so few words. . . .

Sunrise off my back porch.

My Grandpa collects old cars

Sunset off the front porch

Back to Sunrise. . . .

Photos of the kids. . .

Feeling Reminiscent

2009-01-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

I decided what brought on my contemplative mood, at work yesterday morning I ran into my old college swim coaches, well this of course lead to them asking about my life now, and me remembering the old days of college swimming, and of course B.Y.U. Yes, I went to BYU, did I basically get kicked out for less than honorable behavior? Yes. Although, I did get my undergraduate degree from Brigham Young.

I left graduation right after being handed my diploma, I walked across the stage, pictures were taken applause was granted, and instead of retuning to my seat I walked right off the stage and out of the building. I had spent enough time there, and enough energy wondering if my academics, morals, and of course if I was good enough. Quite frankly, I never would be. I realized leaving that graduation that BYU is a great school, it helped stretch my mind to a greater learning capacity, many of the professors were brilliant, and passionate and that conveyed in their teaching, and made me want to learn. I enjoyed swimming for the women's team, the people I met, and the trips I was able to take were once in a lifetime opportunities.

Where there is good, there is usually bad, there's an ugly side to BYU, as I'm sure many people know, a side where a dark cloud seems to hang over the lovely bubble BYU encloses itself in. Where fashionestias walk with their designer Louis Vuttons, and jimmy choos. Perhaps it was jealousy that my own circumstances never afforded me the privilege of my Daddy buying me an Esclade to take to college with me, I did get a 94' Ford Bronco that ran occasionally, but mostly I walked to swim practice two miles at 5 in the morning snow or not.

There were attitudes that seemed to erupt all over campus about marriage and dating which I despised. It seemed the less time you spent dating before you got engaged, then married the better. Why get to know someone before you commit to eternity with them? I never understood what BYU called the "soap box" which stood in the middle of campus, in between the Wilkinson Center, and Library. People would stand on a box, random people and vent about things they didn't like. It was just them complaining. I hated it, just any Bobby or Jane Smith could stand up there and complain about things they didn't like. It was annoying, at least I'm not shouting my complaints to Innocent students who just happen to be passing by on their way to New Testament class. No, not I, I am placing my gripes on a computer from the comfort of my own home, I won't yell or shout, and maybe I'll even keep the complaining to a minimum, no promises.

I guess the real problem I had with BYU boils down to one thing, I was naive. I believed that people are generally good, and trustworthy. Honor code or not. I learned quickly that lying would have allowed me to stay and swim for four years, finish up my education more quickly, and move on with my life. I, however, was truthful about mistakes that I had made, and had to tell everyone it seemed, all my shortcomings, all my human parts were exposed to men whom I didn't know and will never see again. I later learned that many of my peers doing, equal to what I had done, or worse, simply went on their way, no punishment, no BYU banishment, no scholarship loss. Am I a better person now because I was honest? Is my life richer, fuller? Than those who chose a path different than my own? Who's to say?

What I know is this there's a giant world that expands far beyond religion, everyday choices, people, human error, living in bubbles, walking through clouds, believing or not believing in things unseen, there's a world beyond human capacity to comprehend. So I could play the what if game day and night and never understand fully the things I wish to. But it comes down to one thing nothing extends beyond God, he is in everything. He is in the air, the sky, all of us. I believe our choices count, and matter if to no one else to him. I don't consider myself a religious person, but I do believe in the power of God. And in the knowledge I find peace.

Anymore?

2009-01-16T21:29:00.001-08:00

Is it wrong to hope for a better life? To wonder if this is all there really is? I feel like I have joy and happiness one second and the next it slips straight out of my hand and reality sets in, and life is left wanting. I'm not trying to sound depressed or depressing. I just want more, I look back on my life and have to wonder where did it go? Where was time spent, and have the choices I made inevitably lead to my doom? Not that my life is doom, its just a hard thing to think that my choices, the small and large ones, don't affect all factors of my existence. That the people I have allowed in my life haven't changed my course of fate. Is every single person we meet supposed to effect our lives in one way or another. I'm not meaning to get philosophical. I want to know what path in life I am supposed to take, and wondering the what-ifs, of past lives. All I know is relationships should teach us something. I hung up the phone tonight on a man who refuses to listen to anything I have to say, but becomes infuriated when I interrupt what he is saying. I can't stand him most of the time because of the simple fact that he was too immature and wrapped up in himself to realize a good thing when he had it, after it was gone "it's all he thinks about". And its not that I'm bitter or mad because as I have stated to others it hurts my soul to harbor those feelings, and that is not worth it to me. I just wish that I could have a mental cleanse.
On a brighter note it was warm today, which made the day much better, now if only I lived by a beach and a dock that over looked the water, I'd take a novel out and read in a lounge chair in the afternoons.