Pics from the last couple of days

I was taking a picture of the bridge, and the sun which had been m.i.a all day was peeking through the clouds reflecting off the water, and this was just a lone weed. I think my new goal is to start finding more photo ops.






This is a bridge just off of Bangerter, although when I originally planned on taking pics today it was blizzarding outside, I'll have to take one another day, if the snow isn't elusive again.


I actually took this in my bedroom without opening the window (it was really cold out), I was surprised it turned out as clear as it did.





This is J cooking, or being cooked rather, inside joke I guess...

Monogamy.

So the whole concept of two people joining together as man and wife for as long as they both shall live, till' death do them part, for time and ALL ETERNITY!! Is this reality? Can this actually happen. Can two people who lead two separate lives actually join together in loving matrimony, and stay together for what they are promising to? It seems that everywhere I turn people are separating, going through a divorce, hating their spouse, or contemplating the what-ifs of single-dom.
I do realize there are people out their who have lived "happily" married for a number of years, but is this really the norm? do people really find someone who they can actually spend the rest of their lives with in wedded bliss, or is the world doomed to the ever-increasing divorce rate?

How do people actually make relationships work? I have yet to figure this out and feel I never will. How does a person put their spouses needs/wants first and not end up becoming resentful? I know there are countless books, seminars, classes dedicated to the subject of marriage and relationships, but I feel there is no magic ingredient, no special secret. I once thought that two people who dedicated themselves to one another, and to the marriage could do it, could actually make it through the 50 or so years they were both living together in wedded bliss, and maybe part of me still believes this, but as it often does my cynical side loves to take over.
Is marriage for everyone? Probably not. What's the best alternative? Living it up as if they never aged over thirty, going to bars, churches, coffee houses, in hopes of meeting their next relationship conquest. Going through partners like others go through sticks of gum, and spitting them out when the taste turns funny. After a string of sometimes fulfilling sometimes meaningless relations inevitably dying alone, a withered up old prune, some young nurse smacking them around in the nursing home is a person's fate.
I suppose there is another way, which seems to be America's way at present: multiple marriages, multiple divorces, never staying with one person for too long.
Research conducted from . . . somewhere has said that married people live longer, are healthier and happier, and are better with finances. So, marriage is the answer right?
If so, why do so many marriages end up in divorce? My theory is that there are no two people that were actually made for one another, no two people fit together just right. There is chemistry between people, passion, fire, love, longing, connections, however not every aspect of one's upbringing, personality, education, economic background, goals, ambitions, desires, hopes, dreams, ideals will fit with another's. There will be conflict, eruptions, days when one wants to leave the other. Weeks when one wonders why did I marry this person. No one will ever meet every expectation the other has going into the relationship. It takes commitment, work, communication, and of course desire to stay together.
By no means do I consider myself a relationship expert, I'm the opposite. However, I do believe that monogamy is possible for those who actually want to live it, and want to be in it. There are others who will never be content being with the same person for 50+ years or even 50+ weeks. In my opinion neither way is right or wrong, it's just a matter of what you are looking for. I ordered a book on line the other day called, "My Horizontal Life." I'm sure this will be a scandalous book, but I'm very interested to read about someone who at one point in their life clearly shunned monogamy. I personally am a one relationship at a time kind of woman, too much to keep track of otherwise.
On the other hand I still am clueless about how to be in an actual functioning long term relationship, maybe this will come with age, time, or a lot of therapy.

The Perfect Fit. . .

So I was reading today in "Vanity Fair", and yes normally I don't consider magazine reading "real" reading, however, there was a good article, and it took me more than five minutes to read it, which is another sign that hey, this article isn't just some fluffy easy read. Alright, so it was an easy read, but interesting and it did take me longer than five minutes, does it qualify for "real" reading? No, why are we even debating this? Lay off me, I just finished a novel, and yes it was good, but I haven't had time to search out another one quite yet.

So. . . in the article Cate Blanchett, was talking about a number of things, her career, marriage, children, projects, etc. One of the points she made got me thinking, she said, "I thought the most important thing was security, because of my mother. . . I thought I want to do something more practical." Of course she's speaking of her career, she was raised with two other siblings by a single mother after her father died. . . ."she found she couldn't get away from acting. . .It was inescapable. I loved the looseness and freedom.. . .when something is a vocation, you don't really make a decision about it." I found myself so jealous of this view. So envious of this passion. I know that other people feel this, and go on about their lives knowing that they do what they love, and what their hearts cry out for them to do. I am just not one of these people.

I work because I have to. I work because I have a child to support, and bills to pay, and a phone I don't want to get shut off. Is my work fulfilling? No, not always, well truthfully hardly ever. Do I wake up in the morning just over-joyed to traipse off to work? Let's not even answer that question.

Why is it so easy for some to find something that feels truly suited for them, while others struggle to find that perfect match? Why do some eighteen year olds know straight out of high school what they want to do for the next fifty years or so, and yet there are fifty year olds out there going, well I still don't know.
I heard somewhere once that the average adult changes professions like six times, like actual career paths. I was amazed., but I will probably fall into this category. I'll be the first to admit, that I am just average, but I still find myself wishing I could find that one profession that just called my name, and begged for me to love it, as it loved me.

Is it sheer luck for those that know what they want to do, are successful at it, and live happily doing it for many years? I'm not talking contentment here, I'm talking I love my job, and can't believe how lucky I am to be doing this for a living. This can't be the majority right? This has to be the minority of very lucky people.

One of my passions, photography

My favorite thing about photography is that you can tell a story with so few words. . . .

Sunrise off my back porch.













My Grandpa collects old cars






















Sunset off the front porch

Back to Sunrise. . . .

Photos of the kids. . .

Feeling Reminiscent

I decided what brought on my contemplative mood, at work yesterday morning I ran into my old college swim coaches, well this of course lead to them asking about my life now, and me remembering the old days of college swimming, and of course B.Y.U. Yes, I went to BYU, did I basically get kicked out for less than honorable behavior? Yes. Although, I did get my undergraduate degree from Brigham Young.

I left graduation right after being handed my diploma, I walked across the stage, pictures were taken applause was granted, and instead of retuning to my seat I walked right off the stage and out of the building. I had spent enough time there, and enough energy wondering if my academics, morals, and of course if I was good enough. Quite frankly, I never would be. I realized leaving that graduation that BYU is a great school, it helped stretch my mind to a greater learning capacity, many of the professors were brilliant, and passionate and that conveyed in their teaching, and made me want to learn. I enjoyed swimming for the women's team, the people I met, and the trips I was able to take were once in a lifetime opportunities.

Where there is good, there is usually bad, there's an ugly side to BYU, as I'm sure many people know, a side where a dark cloud seems to hang over the lovely bubble BYU encloses itself in. Where fashionestias walk with their designer Louis Vuttons, and jimmy choos. Perhaps it was jealousy that my own circumstances never afforded me the privilege of my Daddy buying me an Esclade to take to college with me, I did get a 94' Ford Bronco that ran occasionally, but mostly I walked to swim practice two miles at 5 in the morning snow or not.

There were attitudes that seemed to erupt all over campus about marriage and dating which I despised. It seemed the less time you spent dating before you got engaged, then married the better. Why get to know someone before you commit to eternity with them? I never understood what BYU called the "soap box" which stood in the middle of campus, in between the Wilkinson Center, and Library. People would stand on a box, random people and vent about things they didn't like. It was just them complaining. I hated it, just any Bobby or Jane Smith could stand up there and complain about things they didn't like. It was annoying, at least I'm not shouting my complaints to Innocent students who just happen to be passing by on their way to New Testament class. No, not I, I am placing my gripes on a computer from the comfort of my own home, I won't yell or shout, and maybe I'll even keep the complaining to a minimum, no promises.

I guess the real problem I had with BYU boils down to one thing, I was naive. I believed that people are generally good, and trustworthy. Honor code or not. I learned quickly that lying would have allowed me to stay and swim for four years, finish up my education more quickly, and move on with my life. I, however, was truthful about mistakes that I had made, and had to tell everyone it seemed, all my shortcomings, all my human parts were exposed to men whom I didn't know and will never see again. I later learned that many of my peers doing, equal to what I had done, or worse, simply went on their way, no punishment, no BYU banishment, no scholarship loss. Am I a better person now because I was honest? Is my life richer, fuller? Than those who chose a path different than my own? Who's to say?

What I know is this there's a giant world that expands far beyond religion, everyday choices, people, human error, living in bubbles, walking through clouds, believing or not believing in things unseen, there's a world beyond human capacity to comprehend. So I could play the what if game day and night and never understand fully the things I wish to. But it comes down to one thing nothing extends beyond God, he is in everything. He is in the air, the sky, all of us. I believe our choices count, and matter if to no one else to him. I don't consider myself a religious person, but I do believe in the power of God. And in the knowledge I find peace.

Anymore?

Is it wrong to hope for a better life? To wonder if this is all there really is? I feel like I have joy and happiness one second and the next it slips straight out of my hand and reality sets in, and life is left wanting. I'm not trying to sound depressed or depressing. I just want more, I look back on my life and have to wonder where did it go? Where was time spent, and have the choices I made inevitably lead to my doom? Not that my life is doom, its just a hard thing to think that my choices, the small and large ones, don't affect all factors of my existence. That the people I have allowed in my life haven't changed my course of fate. Is every single person we meet supposed to effect our lives in one way or another. I'm not meaning to get philosophical. I want to know what path in life I am supposed to take, and wondering the what-ifs, of past lives. All I know is relationships should teach us something. I hung up the phone tonight on a man who refuses to listen to anything I have to say, but becomes infuriated when I interrupt what he is saying. I can't stand him most of the time because of the simple fact that he was too immature and wrapped up in himself to realize a good thing when he had it, after it was gone "it's all he thinks about". And its not that I'm bitter or mad because as I have stated to others it hurts my soul to harbor those feelings, and that is not worth it to me. I just wish that I could have a mental cleanse.
On a brighter note it was warm today, which made the day much better, now if only I lived by a beach and a dock that over looked the water, I'd take a novel out and read in a lounge chair in the afternoons.