So, I've written several posts that have gone unpublished in recent months, mostly I decided not to post them because they showed the bitter and ugly side of divorce. The side that stays inside of me most of the time, and occasionally gets shared out of frustration that its not yet over, and feels as if it never will be. Sometimes my life feels as if it will remain in a stagnant state waiting for some judge whom I do not know, and who doesn't know me, to sign a paper that says its done.
It's time to finally move on.
Just one signature, just one name, to put an end to one of my names.
One official's stamp to put an official end to another official's words.
So, what to do in the meantime, while the waiting period continues?
I ponder if I'm enough.
If I'm doing enough with my life.
I'm not traveling enough, (well not to new places).
Am I experiencing life to the fullest?
I don't actually have a job, just in name I guess, and to be honest, I don't hate the jobless life.
When I did have a job, it wasn't what I loved. I loved the people and the benefits, but it wasn't actually fulfilling. It wasn't something I could go home from feeling good about what I'd accomplished.
A few weeks ago I finished reading the most depressing book, "The hour I first believed," the title is deceiving. Its so depressing, with no relief in the end. It's not that I need happy books and good news all the time, but I'm wondering if maybe I sugar coat things in life a little too much. Ignore the things I don't want to deal with in order to keep from being depressed and down. Is this normal? Can other people actually face their problems head on, deal with them accordingly and move on with their lives? Not that I run from everything that's hard to deal with and not happy, but in general I like things nice. Not always easy, but nice.
Am I expecting too much here?
I got a bit of the past today, luckily I was very distanced from it, but it made me realize that my life is good. The path I've chosen is the one I should be on. My life could've been a lot worse. It was refreshing to realize that my decisions in the past have helped me appreciate my future a lot more. Maybe in the past I have run from hard things, but maybe if I hadn't run, I would be in a much worse place. Perhaps I would be dealing with things much harder and with people much harder to deal with.
I'm not saying I will or should always run.
Maybe I'm saying it's officially time to acknowledge my mistakes of the past have been learned from.
From here on out I will vow to not make those same mistakes again.
Maybe its okay to run from things that aren't worth staying for.
And every once in a while its okay for things to be hard.
