I am an outsider. I think many people are. Who is actually on the inside? Who is a member of this elite group that actually has their shit together? Are many people actually part of this group, or do they just put on that facade? I feel there are so many people out there who know what they're doing with their lives, know what they want, and have a plan about how to get there. I don't. That's the shameful, honest truth.
I think before I had my little boy, I was pretty sure about the world around me, confident in my abilities to live life. I had friends from different places, and things to talk about other than the amazing person my child is. He consumes me. I don't want this to sound as if that's a bad thing, I don't think it is. I just wonder what will happen when he doesn't need me. When he doesn't want me to hold his hand, when he chooses another playmate. What will be left of me? Clearly I can never go back to who I was before, nor would I want to. I don't think I was an AMAZING person. I just want some sense of who I am now to carry with me when he isn't completely consuming me, and I wonder if there's anything else left in there.
Life now is different, different goals, different friends, different ways of spending free time. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, it never sounded unimportant, it never sounded glamorous either. The truth of my life is, I don't know what the hell I am doing. I live day to day happily for the most part, but when I truly sit down and analyze who I am, I rely on no solid foundation. I stand on a wavy ship, that has no direction to sail, and to actually commit to one way is terrifying to me.
I look at my friends with husbands, kids, houses, religious duties, part time jobs, and etc. And I wonder how they do it. How they keep their shit together and do it well. Or at least put on a show that they are doing it well, and not on the verge of an overload meltdown. I used to live this life, (minus the religious duty), and I wasn't happy. And people will say, oh you weren't happy because you married the wrong person, but really is that all there is to it? If I had just happened upon the right person instead of the wrong one I could be happy? I don't think its that simple. Now, I'm getting into a matter of having the right attitude, right? with the right attitude you can be happy. Happiness is a choice I realize this, but at what point do your surroundings start to matter, and affect you. How long can one push away feelings of isolation, loneliness, and that sneaking suspicion they're under appreciated? We'll leave this alone for now. My point is I don't envy my friends with those things, and I'm sure they don't envy me. Do I miss my own house, my own space, my own way of decorating, my peace and quiet, my own messes, and my way of doing things? Yes, more than I can tell you, more than I can put in words. However, there are a lot of bad feelings I have toward the whole institution of marriage. Maybe some people, myself included, just aren't cut out for it. It might be, I'm too self fish, too independent, too critical, too stubborn, too set in my ways, too messed up. Where does that leave me though?
I don't want my kid to grow up in a world where he only comes home to me, where I have to work all the time in order to pay the bills. I don't want him growing up in some hole in the wall apartment because that's all I can afford, and I certainly can't live with my parents forever, for every one's sanity. I just feel like I want to be fearless again, maybe I never was. Perhaps that's why I am where I am now.
How long can someone live life not exactly knowing which direction will take them to where they want to be? Can I just act like I know what I'm doing until I get somewhere. "Fake it til you make it." I never believed in that saying. I've never been good at faking, being dramatic, yes, faking, not so much.
I might just have to chalk my feelings up as "one of those days." Maybe no one is actually on the inside, the inside of what? Maybe everyone has these days where they just feel like no one really gets them, and no one gets why they are the way they are. No one can really walk in another's shoes, and live the life they have lived which has caused them to think and feel the way they do. Maybe the only "in" someone really has, is with themselves. I am the only one in my head, and never will I have the ability to fully understand what is in another person's head, or see the world as they see it. I don't know if life will ever make sense to me. I don't know if I will ever have direction, and purpose. I just know that right now I am an outsider, outsider to some club for those who actually are better at life than me, which is not hard to do people. I am an outsider because people are living their lives, while I am waiting to decide which direction mine should be going. Until I decide I will be lead around by the little boy, who for right now needs me, and I need him.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Social Experiment 557342
When I was younger my mom used to bribe my sister and I to sit like ladies at church with dollar bills. Now when I think back on this my mom throwing dollar bills at young girls in dresses could have been taken the wrong way. But as I said we were young, and knew nothing of wanting a career where people threw money at you for a living. She would make us a deal at the beginning of the hour plus church meeting, if we could sit lady-like enough to hold a dollar bill the entire meeting between our knees, at the end of the meeting we could keep it. Of course when you're nine this is not only a great money making opportunity, this is also a great distraction to keep from listening to the speaker at the front of the church. Looking back at this, it was as miserable "sitting like a lady" then, as it is now.
The more people I talk to about what I'm doing the more I realize there is a very divided line between the sexes; On the male side they, of course, think it's a great idea, a wonderful way to express my femininity. They tend to love the way a woman looks in a dress, or skirt, and of course heels. Why do men love this? Do they have the same feelings when it comes to shorts? They still get to see a little leg. I have come up with a couple theories of my own. The first and most unpleasant; I think men love the prospect that they might get a little show, sick I know. However, with my unlady like ways they may have. Sick I know.
To any man out there reading this and getting offended that I would ever suggest your sex to be full of perverts, I apologize. I, of course, am not talking about you personally, but they are out there, and if I were more attractive, had a 22 inch waist, and a chest the size of large cantaloupes don't act like you wouldn't be trying to take a peek. Or if not you, someone you know, your potty mouth friend from work who pretends to be picking something up off the floor as the previously described woman walks by, but of course I know YOU personally have never and would never do such a thing.
The other reason I believe males are so for the whole dress idea, who doesn't like the person they're with to look put together? I know that when I'm out even with the little guy I like him to have his hair combed, I dress him in a cute little outfit, and have his face washed, etc. These past two weeks I have done my hair more than I have this whole year. I can't seem to justify not doing it when the rest of me is all dolled up, then people would be playing the "one of these things is not like the other" game with my attire and hair. I like to be out with people who take care of themselves, and wearing a dress and being done up is the epitome of that for a woman, is it not?
When I have told females what I'm doing they give the "why the hell would you do that to yourself look?" When they see me they ask how its going with a little knowing chuckle, in this chuckle they say I know you are miserable even if you do look more put together than usual. Women know what wearing a dress is like, it doesn't have to be uncomfortable, for short periods of time. If you have the right dress, it isn't too bad at all. However, as you get in to long stretches of wearing dresses you realize there is no way to not be constantly thinking about where your dress is falling and flapping, and who is getting a show they may or may not want to see. Women know that wearing a dress does require upkeep, and have too many other things to think about in their lives. The thing that has been the most consuming the past two weeks has been changing my comfort positions. How does one sit comfortably while not in Indian style? As I type this I realize I am sitting Indian style now, luckily I have on leggings. (which saved my life the last two weeks.) I love them, just not as much as I love my jeans. Men can usually sit however they want, their legs can be spread out across two continents and no one would think anything of it. Women can't get away with this, especially not in a dress.
After doing this I will most likely throw on dresses more often when going out, as I so often do with my crazy busy social life..... well four or five times a year when I leave my house other than for work, or the grocery store. I did discover there are benefits of a dress that I hadn't previously noticed. I did feel more put together, it made me put time into my appearance. My wardrobe has increased in my eyes, I no longer fear having to wear dresses only for the right occasion. I discovered a new love for leggings' how can you not love these pieces of stretchy goodness, that wrap themselves around your legs and keep you warm? They add color and fun to what may be an otherwise plain dress. Leggings are key for the everyday dress wearer, which by the way I don't suggest for anyone.
When all was said and done I hope if nothing else this experiment can bring people around the world together in one united cause.... yah dah yah dah, and world peace.
The more people I talk to about what I'm doing the more I realize there is a very divided line between the sexes; On the male side they, of course, think it's a great idea, a wonderful way to express my femininity. They tend to love the way a woman looks in a dress, or skirt, and of course heels. Why do men love this? Do they have the same feelings when it comes to shorts? They still get to see a little leg. I have come up with a couple theories of my own. The first and most unpleasant; I think men love the prospect that they might get a little show, sick I know. However, with my unlady like ways they may have. Sick I know.
To any man out there reading this and getting offended that I would ever suggest your sex to be full of perverts, I apologize. I, of course, am not talking about you personally, but they are out there, and if I were more attractive, had a 22 inch waist, and a chest the size of large cantaloupes don't act like you wouldn't be trying to take a peek. Or if not you, someone you know, your potty mouth friend from work who pretends to be picking something up off the floor as the previously described woman walks by, but of course I know YOU personally have never and would never do such a thing.
The other reason I believe males are so for the whole dress idea, who doesn't like the person they're with to look put together? I know that when I'm out even with the little guy I like him to have his hair combed, I dress him in a cute little outfit, and have his face washed, etc. These past two weeks I have done my hair more than I have this whole year. I can't seem to justify not doing it when the rest of me is all dolled up, then people would be playing the "one of these things is not like the other" game with my attire and hair. I like to be out with people who take care of themselves, and wearing a dress and being done up is the epitome of that for a woman, is it not?
When I have told females what I'm doing they give the "why the hell would you do that to yourself look?" When they see me they ask how its going with a little knowing chuckle, in this chuckle they say I know you are miserable even if you do look more put together than usual. Women know what wearing a dress is like, it doesn't have to be uncomfortable, for short periods of time. If you have the right dress, it isn't too bad at all. However, as you get in to long stretches of wearing dresses you realize there is no way to not be constantly thinking about where your dress is falling and flapping, and who is getting a show they may or may not want to see. Women know that wearing a dress does require upkeep, and have too many other things to think about in their lives. The thing that has been the most consuming the past two weeks has been changing my comfort positions. How does one sit comfortably while not in Indian style? As I type this I realize I am sitting Indian style now, luckily I have on leggings. (which saved my life the last two weeks.) I love them, just not as much as I love my jeans. Men can usually sit however they want, their legs can be spread out across two continents and no one would think anything of it. Women can't get away with this, especially not in a dress.
After doing this I will most likely throw on dresses more often when going out, as I so often do with my crazy busy social life..... well four or five times a year when I leave my house other than for work, or the grocery store. I did discover there are benefits of a dress that I hadn't previously noticed. I did feel more put together, it made me put time into my appearance. My wardrobe has increased in my eyes, I no longer fear having to wear dresses only for the right occasion. I discovered a new love for leggings' how can you not love these pieces of stretchy goodness, that wrap themselves around your legs and keep you warm? They add color and fun to what may be an otherwise plain dress. Leggings are key for the everyday dress wearer, which by the way I don't suggest for anyone.
When all was said and done I hope if nothing else this experiment can bring people around the world together in one united cause.... yah dah yah dah, and world peace.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Dress Etiquette
Social Experiment: Nearing the end of Week One:
I have made it this far, and as I say this I am sitting here in shorts, dress-less, in my defense I have not yet showered today, and just woke up from a nap. Boy, do I sound like a winner. I worked this morning and upon returning home, a very tired little boy greeted me. He insisted on sleeping in my bed, which is understandable, my bed is what I imagine it would be like sleeping on the inside of a cloud. Wrapped up, cushioning your every movement. It's AMAZING! The tired little boy is still sleeping off his late night last night and early morning today. I really can't go back in there and wake him just to get a skirt.
Now, let me say I have gotten some flack for doing this experiment, there are nay sayers out there. People who think this is absurd, pointless, and undeserving of being called a social experiment. I have been mocked, tested, and called silly, but I have withstood this criticism. Some think this social experiment will prove nothing, to them I ask is changing the world all about removing the polluting factories, doing away with violence on television, adopting impoverish children from foreign countries, or could there be more to this? Isn't change brought about by opening people's eyes to the things in the world which they may not have seen before? Is it not educating young minds about different ways of life, living outside ourselves to prove the only way to change is to take the first step toward it. Think about it naysayers, critics, and concerned family and friends....
Doing this experiment has opened my eyes to a couple of things;
#1- 5 year old have different rules, than 26 year olds do. For example when a five year old wears a skirt she can still get away with doing this.....
When you're 26 not a good idea to be flung around in the air flashing your business for all to see. Although, what goes on behind closed doors, in a private environment is your business.
#2- As a mother, I sit on the floor and play, bend down, squat, and am generally not in a lot of positions which are conducive to a dress wearing lifestyle. I have been forced to sit more creatively on the floor, check behind me before assuming a squat, and paying attention to where my skirt falls. My position must be one which the dress falls in such way that the least amount of exposure is achieved. I have to think about angles, and peeping eyes, and sudden gusts of unexpected wind.
#3- In Utah our experience of Spring presents us with an array of temperature to be dealt with or enjoyed. In the last week it has snowed, when you are in a skirt and it snows your outside time is limited. My legs have slowly turned from whitey to smurf in no time flat, chills have taken over my entire body beginning with my bare legs, and working their way up. I curse the snow at this point, as I have been doing for months possibly years now, and I go on with my skirt wearing ways. On the other side of a Utah Spring, it was 70 degrees yesterday, my bare legs relished in the vitamin D, basked in the warmth of it, and my voice praised it's name, "SUN!!!" I sang, "Sssunnnnnnnnn...." The breeze was nice, and the dress convenient.
#4-Today I received my first "Are you leaving the house like that? You Look skanky" comment. The responsible dress quickly became my favorite. I probably would have worn the dress for the next two days if the little guy hadn't gotten a spaghettio fingerprint right on the front of it, causing a need for a trip to the washer.
#5- I miss jeans, more than I can say, it hurts to have been away from them for so long, and I hope to reacquaint myself with them as soon as possible. My experiment is only a little longer than a week from ending now, at which point I may sleep in my jeans just to welcome them back into my life.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Social Experiment
On a recent trip to Orange County I witnessed a woman in her forties (couldn't have been younger) wearing a skirt the length of my hand, (no longer) her forty year old ass was on display for everyone to see. EWWW.... She was with a man in his 60's (no lie here), who she was rubbing up on, and hanging all over. It was quite the display. Her skirt was poofy at the bottom, and her bottom was out of her skirt. The shirt she wore left little to the imagination, it was a halter top with some emblem in between her bosom to bring attention to the area. What? You need more attention lady?
I, myself am not much of a dress wearing woman. I like my jeans. I like them tight, butt hugging, thigh engulfing, low riding jeans. This episode in Orange county has not made me decide to wear skanky skirts, but seeing this public cry for attention has made me realize that wearing skirts/dresses can be inconvenient, uncomfortable, and not always my first outfit choice. So, I have decided to see if wearing a dress or skirt EVERYDAY can work for me. Clearly this is nothing life altering, but it does give me a new way to look at my closet. I gives me a reason to be girly, and it allows my legs the freedom to breathe.
Here are the rules:
1. I must get dressed before noon, (except for today)
2. I can wear leggings
3. I don't have to wear skanky skirts unless I choose to, in which case anyone reading this is forbidden to judge me, it is a social experiment after all.
4. If I get sick of the skirts and dresses in my closet I can go buy a new one as long as it is on sale.
5. I have to do this for two weeks straight except for when I go to work. k?
6. I can wear the same dress or skirt twice, just not two days in a row, b/c that just looks as if I have given up on life
7. The experiment started yesterday I am just a day behind telling this place about it.
At the end of the two weeks I hope to have made an impact on the world around me, as well as on myself. It's social experiments such as this one that allow others to open their eyes to the things in the world that are crying out for attention. Dress on everyone, dress on.
This was from day one of the experiment, which has yet to be named. For those of you who study this picture closely, yes I am wearing slippers. The rules said nothing about heels. Thank you.
I, myself am not much of a dress wearing woman. I like my jeans. I like them tight, butt hugging, thigh engulfing, low riding jeans. This episode in Orange county has not made me decide to wear skanky skirts, but seeing this public cry for attention has made me realize that wearing skirts/dresses can be inconvenient, uncomfortable, and not always my first outfit choice. So, I have decided to see if wearing a dress or skirt EVERYDAY can work for me. Clearly this is nothing life altering, but it does give me a new way to look at my closet. I gives me a reason to be girly, and it allows my legs the freedom to breathe.
Here are the rules:
1. I must get dressed before noon, (except for today)
2. I can wear leggings
3. I don't have to wear skanky skirts unless I choose to, in which case anyone reading this is forbidden to judge me, it is a social experiment after all.
4. If I get sick of the skirts and dresses in my closet I can go buy a new one as long as it is on sale.
5. I have to do this for two weeks straight except for when I go to work. k?
6. I can wear the same dress or skirt twice, just not two days in a row, b/c that just looks as if I have given up on life
7. The experiment started yesterday I am just a day behind telling this place about it.
At the end of the two weeks I hope to have made an impact on the world around me, as well as on myself. It's social experiments such as this one that allow others to open their eyes to the things in the world that are crying out for attention. Dress on everyone, dress on.
This was from day one of the experiment, which has yet to be named. For those of you who study this picture closely, yes I am wearing slippers. The rules said nothing about heels. Thank you.
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