Awhile back I went out to dinner with some girls/women/peeps from high school. We do dinners to celebrate birthdays, I love going, and talking and catching up. There's something so nice about seeing friends who I grew up with, and have known for so long. The drama of high school is gone, we have kids, relationships, jobs, hobbies, and varied interests. Everything has changed in our lives, but friendships remain.
Anyway, after that long, dragged out explanation, age was brought up, (we were celebrating a birthday after all.) This got me thinking about late teens/early 20's, and the mentality that filled my brain. I was trying to figure out life, myself, relationships, people, and the world. To be honest it was overwhelming at times, and I was so naive, to well. .. .. everything.
I spent college dating guys who weren't good for me, or to me at times. I feel at times I have spent my life trying to capture the attention of that special someone only to realize what an ass they actually were, how frustrating. Maybe we've all been there, not really understanding what it was we would actually gain, but knew we wanted........ something.
I feel lately like I'm in a funk. I want more in my life. I want it all. I want a good job that I'm proud of. I want to be a good mom, I want to be proud of educational accomplishments. I want to be smart, and interesting. I want a solid foundation to stand on. I want to not be so selffish. I want to be fit. I want to cook well, and read good books, and have insightful things to say about them. I want to burst into dance at random intervals and not care who's watching. I want someone who'll dance with me.
Five years ago my life was different. My goals, aspirations, and perspectives were on a much different level. I want more now, I expect more out of myself. Which makes me wonder what's going to happen in another five years. What will I want then? When will I step back and look at my life, and say, yeah I'm doing good I'm where I want to be I'm content?
I often wonder if anyone else feels this restlessness that is my constant companion. I wonder if it'll ever go away. Or if the older I get the worse it'll become. I look at these friends I have known for several years, and some of us are in the same places and some of us are not. I sometimes wish I knew someone once felt this way and now no longer does. I want to know that it'll go away with the next degree or the big job, or a good book, or a race well run. I want to know that eventually I'll be able to stop searching.
