Feeling Reminiscent

I decided what brought on my contemplative mood, at work yesterday morning I ran into my old college swim coaches, well this of course lead to them asking about my life now, and me remembering the old days of college swimming, and of course B.Y.U. Yes, I went to BYU, did I basically get kicked out for less than honorable behavior? Yes. Although, I did get my undergraduate degree from Brigham Young.

I left graduation right after being handed my diploma, I walked across the stage, pictures were taken applause was granted, and instead of retuning to my seat I walked right off the stage and out of the building. I had spent enough time there, and enough energy wondering if my academics, morals, and of course if I was good enough. Quite frankly, I never would be. I realized leaving that graduation that BYU is a great school, it helped stretch my mind to a greater learning capacity, many of the professors were brilliant, and passionate and that conveyed in their teaching, and made me want to learn. I enjoyed swimming for the women's team, the people I met, and the trips I was able to take were once in a lifetime opportunities.

Where there is good, there is usually bad, there's an ugly side to BYU, as I'm sure many people know, a side where a dark cloud seems to hang over the lovely bubble BYU encloses itself in. Where fashionestias walk with their designer Louis Vuttons, and jimmy choos. Perhaps it was jealousy that my own circumstances never afforded me the privilege of my Daddy buying me an Esclade to take to college with me, I did get a 94' Ford Bronco that ran occasionally, but mostly I walked to swim practice two miles at 5 in the morning snow or not.

There were attitudes that seemed to erupt all over campus about marriage and dating which I despised. It seemed the less time you spent dating before you got engaged, then married the better. Why get to know someone before you commit to eternity with them? I never understood what BYU called the "soap box" which stood in the middle of campus, in between the Wilkinson Center, and Library. People would stand on a box, random people and vent about things they didn't like. It was just them complaining. I hated it, just any Bobby or Jane Smith could stand up there and complain about things they didn't like. It was annoying, at least I'm not shouting my complaints to Innocent students who just happen to be passing by on their way to New Testament class. No, not I, I am placing my gripes on a computer from the comfort of my own home, I won't yell or shout, and maybe I'll even keep the complaining to a minimum, no promises.

I guess the real problem I had with BYU boils down to one thing, I was naive. I believed that people are generally good, and trustworthy. Honor code or not. I learned quickly that lying would have allowed me to stay and swim for four years, finish up my education more quickly, and move on with my life. I, however, was truthful about mistakes that I had made, and had to tell everyone it seemed, all my shortcomings, all my human parts were exposed to men whom I didn't know and will never see again. I later learned that many of my peers doing, equal to what I had done, or worse, simply went on their way, no punishment, no BYU banishment, no scholarship loss. Am I a better person now because I was honest? Is my life richer, fuller? Than those who chose a path different than my own? Who's to say?

What I know is this there's a giant world that expands far beyond religion, everyday choices, people, human error, living in bubbles, walking through clouds, believing or not believing in things unseen, there's a world beyond human capacity to comprehend. So I could play the what if game day and night and never understand fully the things I wish to. But it comes down to one thing nothing extends beyond God, he is in everything. He is in the air, the sky, all of us. I believe our choices count, and matter if to no one else to him. I don't consider myself a religious person, but I do believe in the power of God. And in the knowledge I find peace.