You're in or you're out....

I am an outsider. I think many people are. Who is actually on the inside? Who is a member of this elite group that actually has their shit together? Are many people actually part of this group, or do they just put on that facade? I feel there are so many people out there who know what they're doing with their lives, know what they want, and have a plan about how to get there. I don't. That's the shameful, honest truth.

I think before I had my little boy, I was pretty sure about the world around me, confident in my abilities to live life. I had friends from different places, and things to talk about other than the amazing person my child is. He consumes me. I don't want this to sound as if that's a bad thing, I don't think it is. I just wonder what will happen when he doesn't need me. When he doesn't want me to hold his hand, when he chooses another playmate. What will be left of me? Clearly I can never go back to who I was before, nor would I want to. I don't think I was an AMAZING person. I just want some sense of who I am now to carry with me when he isn't completely consuming me, and I wonder if there's anything else left in there.

Life now is different, different goals, different friends, different ways of spending free time. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, it never sounded unimportant, it never sounded glamorous either. The truth of my life is, I don't know what the hell I am doing. I live day to day happily for the most part, but when I truly sit down and analyze who I am, I rely on no solid foundation. I stand on a wavy ship, that has no direction to sail, and to actually commit to one way is terrifying to me.

I look at my friends with husbands, kids, houses, religious duties, part time jobs, and etc. And I wonder how they do it. How they keep their shit together and do it well. Or at least put on a show that they are doing it well, and not on the verge of an overload meltdown. I used to live this life, (minus the religious duty), and I wasn't happy. And people will say, oh you weren't happy because you married the wrong person, but really is that all there is to it? If I had just happened upon the right person instead of the wrong one I could be happy? I don't think its that simple. Now, I'm getting into a matter of having the right attitude, right? with the right attitude you can be happy. Happiness is a choice I realize this, but at what point do your surroundings start to matter, and affect you. How long can one push away feelings of isolation, loneliness, and that sneaking suspicion they're under appreciated? We'll leave this alone for now. My point is I don't envy my friends with those things, and I'm sure they don't envy me. Do I miss my own house, my own space, my own way of decorating, my peace and quiet, my own messes, and my way of doing things? Yes, more than I can tell you, more than I can put in words. However, there are a lot of bad feelings I have toward the whole institution of marriage. Maybe some people, myself included, just aren't cut out for it. It might be, I'm too self fish, too independent, too critical, too stubborn, too set in my ways, too messed up. Where does that leave me though?

I don't want my kid to grow up in a world where he only comes home to me, where I have to work all the time in order to pay the bills. I don't want him growing up in some hole in the wall apartment because that's all I can afford, and I certainly can't live with my parents forever, for every one's sanity. I just feel like I want to be fearless again, maybe I never was. Perhaps that's why I am where I am now.

How long can someone live life not exactly knowing which direction will take them to where they want to be? Can I just act like I know what I'm doing until I get somewhere. "Fake it til you make it." I never believed in that saying. I've never been good at faking, being dramatic, yes, faking, not so much.

I might just have to chalk my feelings up as "one of those days." Maybe no one is actually on the inside, the inside of what? Maybe everyone has these days where they just feel like no one really gets them, and no one gets why they are the way they are. No one can really walk in another's shoes, and live the life they have lived which has caused them to think and feel the way they do. Maybe the only "in" someone really has, is with themselves. I am the only one in my head, and never will I have the ability to fully understand what is in another person's head, or see the world as they see it. I don't know if life will ever make sense to me. I don't know if I will ever have direction, and purpose. I just know that right now I am an outsider, outsider to some club for those who actually are better at life than me, which is not hard to do people. I am an outsider because people are living their lives, while I am waiting to decide which direction mine should be going. Until I decide I will be lead around by the little boy, who for right now needs me, and I need him.