S-U-N

So, I've been singing, "Mr sun, sun golden yellow sun in my head all day." Thank you Barney. With that said I've decided to take this opportunity to give a shout out to the sun, and tell him just how much I appreciate his presence in my life. For real, it makes me so happy to have him on my face. He allows me to take my child out for some much needed runnin' around. Sun is a dear friend of mine, and warms not only my bod but my soul.

Because of my dear friend the sun, I can actually get out and enjoy the fall; the trees, the cool air, the mass amount of leaves that have invaded the ground, with their colors red, yellow, orange, purple. Those crunchy leaves are everywhere.


I may go as far to say that if my dear friend the sun could stick around and continue his warming of my heart/spirit/face I wouldn't be mad. I may even get out more, swing my legs off a bridge and not even think about jumping, just swinging. (Although the colder the water, the less likely the jumping, but that's entirely beside the point.)Isn't it?


The point is if I could bottle up the sun and release him in full force daily between the hours of 9:30 and 12:30 I would. I'd release the hell out of him. I'd be all, "hey everyone here's our sun. Go play outside, go enjoy your lives, and this guy, my friend. The SUN." The rest of the day there would still be sun don't get me wrong,it'd just be especially sunny at those particular hours. Not sunburn sunny, but the kind of sun that makes you think of riding your bike barefoot down to the lake, feeling the wind in your hair, and the glorious, miraculous sun on your warm face.
So sun, here's your shout out, you're not only my boy, you're my man, SUN GUY, and I love you.

After much ado

So, I've written several posts that have gone unpublished in recent months, mostly I decided not to post them because they showed the bitter and ugly side of divorce. The side that stays inside of me most of the time, and occasionally gets shared out of frustration that its not yet over, and feels as if it never will be. Sometimes my life feels as if it will remain in a stagnant state waiting for some judge whom I do not know, and who doesn't know me, to sign a paper that says its done.

It's time to finally move on.
Just one signature, just one name, to put an end to one of my names.
One official's stamp to put an official end to another official's words.

So, what to do in the meantime, while the waiting period continues?

I ponder if I'm enough.
If I'm doing enough with my life.
I'm not traveling enough, (well not to new places).
Am I experiencing life to the fullest?
I don't actually have a job, just in name I guess, and to be honest, I don't hate the jobless life.
When I did have a job, it wasn't what I loved. I loved the people and the benefits, but it wasn't actually fulfilling. It wasn't something I could go home from feeling good about what I'd accomplished.

A few weeks ago I finished reading the most depressing book, "The hour I first believed," the title is deceiving. Its so depressing, with no relief in the end. It's not that I need happy books and good news all the time, but I'm wondering if maybe I sugar coat things in life a little too much. Ignore the things I don't want to deal with in order to keep from being depressed and down. Is this normal? Can other people actually face their problems head on, deal with them accordingly and move on with their lives? Not that I run from everything that's hard to deal with and not happy, but in general I like things nice. Not always easy, but nice.
Am I expecting too much here?

I got a bit of the past today, luckily I was very distanced from it, but it made me realize that my life is good. The path I've chosen is the one I should be on. My life could've been a lot worse. It was refreshing to realize that my decisions in the past have helped me appreciate my future a lot more. Maybe in the past I have run from hard things, but maybe if I hadn't run, I would be in a much worse place. Perhaps I would be dealing with things much harder and with people much harder to deal with.

I'm not saying I will or should always run.
Maybe I'm saying it's officially time to acknowledge my mistakes of the past have been learned from.
From here on out I will vow to not make those same mistakes again.

Maybe its okay to run from things that aren't worth staying for.
And every once in a while its okay for things to be hard.

Thank Goodness for cereal

How else would I have learned about the world wide web. Did everyone else know about this?
It was like eating the store name brand of raisin bran opened up a whole new world for me.
I learned that, and I quote, "there is no speed limit on the Internet highway." You mean to tell me I can go as fast as I want without getting caught for speeding.

Luckily this magnificent box helped me learn about emoticons, a way to express my emotions whilst not speaking one word.

AMAZING PEOPLE!!!! AMAZING!!

when did this happen?

When did I become a ma'am'? I was at the rodeo today, yes a rodeo. This is what my life is now that a certain someone has decided the child is my sole responsibility and mine alone. Why should I get to go to Vegas or New York? How silly of me to even hope really. So, at the rodeo a young cowgirl asked me if I was my uncle's sister? Now, my uncle is not THAT old, and he started having kids later in life, so he does have a nearly six year old. I have a nearly two, but does this really qualify me as his sister? Maybe I should track down this cowgirl, who couldn't have been more than nine, and ask her if she meant to say "much much younger sister?" my uncle's brother, (who is also my uncle obviously) is only a mere two years older than me.
But I find it happening more and more, this being grouped with the older crowd, I'm not even married (well soon, hopefully) DAMNITT!! Doesn't that count for something? Being called "ma'ma." Could I at least pass for 25? 24 maybe? I really want to go play the "guess my age" game with a random stranger who would be honest, yet kind. I don't think I look too old, maybe I need to start wearing more sunscreen, do a few chemical peels, maybe a face lift.

That's me on the left, I got the head scarf at an early bird special at Macy's...


Technically I'm still under TLC's "no miniskirts over 35" rule. WAY under.
Maybe just more sleep, will help. It can only get worse from here, I'm worried I'm aging before my time, I'm still in my prime people, right?

Its all about the setting

I got to thinking about parents who work full time and leave their kids with nannies, or in day care, or with sitters. I have never wanted to be one of those career women who leaves my kid to be raised by someone else during the day, and me at night. Now, granted for some people there's not an option whether they want to or not they have to work, they go to provide for these precious little creatures we call children. There are some who do have the choice, and choose work, not there's anything wrong with that, I just think differently.

I realized it's the little moments in my life that have made me feel this way, it's the unexpected kiss from the little guy, or the from the back hug that you didn't see coming (that doesn't turn into a hair pull). It's the unexpected new tricks that he learns, that make me swell with pride. Let's not lie, its putting him down for a nap and having a couple hours to shower, clean, or waste time blogging about things people don't even read. But I decided some of the best things that happens is the dialogue throughout the day, stuff you'd never say or hear if you were at an actual office, and I'll share some of these with you today, right now,;

"Why do you think you need to sit on some one's head just because they lay down? No one likes that."

Me: "I think it's your turn to pull me in the wagon, I'm tired."
Nearly 2: "Okay," gives great effort, grunts and all, then falls on the grass, keeps trying, "Mommy, heavy."
My self esteem plummets, I laugh anyway.

"Where's your helmet?"

Me: "What are we going to have for lunch?"
Nearly 2: "Poppers!"
Me: "No."

Nearly 2:"Mom, bum hurt."
Me: "Your bum hurts?"
Nearly 2: "Yeah"
Me: "What should we do about that?"
Nearly 2: "Bum cream."

"Do you need to go potty?"

Nearly 2: "Vroom, vroom, gurgle, vroom. Beep beep."

Me:"Why are you pulling my hair? That's hurts mommy."
Nearly 2: "Be nice," He says as he turns to petting my head.

Nearly 2: "Cuse me" (Excuse me)
Me: "I'm not moving so that you can eat toothpaste."
Nearly 2: "Cuse me"
Me:"You are using very good manners, still we don't eat toothpaste."


I picture these things being said in an actual office, and just have to laugh.

My compliments to the Chef

So I got to thinking the other day about compliments, how I'm bad at taking them, what a good compliment actually means, and sometimes things that are meant as compliments but are actually not even close.

We'll start here; I am so bad at taking compliments I think I always have been, I almost view it as admitting and fully succumbing to the fact of your own importance and awesome-ness. Once accepting this compliment how do you live up to all the glory that surrounds it? Day in and day out how do you perform the tasks that qualify you to actually accept the compliment? So this is why I shun them at all costs.

You know what I do think is a nice compliment though, "She's such a doll." What a nice thing to say about a person, people love dolls. In fact they love dolls so much they actually buy them houses, what nicer way to express your love and devotion other than buying someone a house? Calling someone a doll is like saying you love and adore them so much you'd buy them a house!!! That's HUGE!! For the record I've never been called a doll, but whatever.

One of my favorite compliments is when our person says to another, "We make cute kids together." My interpretation of this; my hotness + your hotness has created even more hotness, my goodness we are so GOOD LOOKIN'!!

Sometimes things are given as compliments but in reality are not actually compliments. I have the perfect example from the other day, "You're like a commo expert." What? This is what my life has been reduced to. The truth is I want to be good at my job, but to be called an expert at something that is so non thought provoking and so unimportant, that's just embarrassing. If I were a doctor perhaps, and a patient was like "Oh you're an expert in solving the problems that pertain to my nostrils." Now, that's a compliment, but telling me I'm an expert at fulfilling the needs of my flight attendant friends, well not as huge of a compliment.

I also want to clear the air as far as what nicknames can be taken as compliments:
---"Champ!" Meaning, they think you are a real winner, perhaps a champion of their heart.
---"Scout," the person calling you this finds you friendly and helpful, and may think your skills at using a compass are very appealing.
---"Sport" You're athletic looking, muscular, and you're good at stuff. (You're Mindy's Kyle Corver.)
---"Smart Ass" Not only do I like the way your mind works, I also like the way you sit, what perfect posture.

So as far as compliments go they're easier to give and harder to receive a lot like herpes.

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Goats don't actually eat JUST anything, & other stuff I know

(Not all inclusive)
Sometimes I need nights like these:



And days like these....


There are days I need to listen to songs that say things like, ".....Don't tell me that you didn't try and check out my bum, cause' I know that you did, your friend told me that you liked it.... yeah you make me merry make me very very happy....." This little British voice just cheers me up, and what creative lyrics.


Sometimes I feel like doing this.....


or this, because things are funny, or sometimes because nothing is funny, but crazy, and I do this in order to prevent a major melt down:


Every once in a while I feel like making up stories like, "And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street" By Dr. Seuss. Life would be much more exciting. I could see helicopters fall from the sky, the sole survivor resembles Matthew Fox..... I could run into an old friend who by chance happens to own a house boat/small scale yacht, and invites me to join her for a three week vacay to Lake Powell. While there I would just happen to run into the one ex I never wanted to run into again EVER!! I'd be with my beautiful child, who just per chance decided to behave and be charming (the child, not the ex). And alarmingly enough I just had my hair done, and lost ten pounds. "How crazy to run into you here," I'd say, my shiny hair gleaming in the sun. "I see you're alone, where's what's her name? I see you did get a little chubbers though, that's too bad," I'd said as I gave him a little poke in the belly. He'd stare sheepishly, and I'd just smile, my newly whitened teeth gleaming. At that point I'd return back to the small yacht, leaving him standing in his ridiculous state. Me in my bikini with my new ten pound weight loss.... Also I just got the news I'm gonna be on on "America's Next Top Model" luckily they're sending in a personal chef, trainer, and baby sitter for when I'm doing my Top Model stuff. Posing for photo shoots in exotic locations, on private beaches. Traveling to Australia, me and Tyra head out for dinner and drinks. I'd live separately from the other girls, I'm much older, and don't really need the drama anyhow.


I need people, and friends. Maybe not the same kind I used to have, the kind that'd stay up with me talking about boys, and working out, and clothes. I still need to talk about those things, but now we go out to dinner, or talk over the babies. Or wonder aloud if we'll ever have the motivation to work out ever again.

Sometimes the rain comes, and makes everything wet and muddy and cold, and I have to accept that I'll be be stuck inside....


And other times I realize the rain falls for a reason, and there are ways to enjoy it, and maybe it wasn't so bad after all being stuck inside, because maybe I got to do this with the kid....


I love houses that have a path straight from the sidewalk right up to the front door, how welcoming. The driveway to the front door path is okay, but if I'm walking to this person's house its so nice to walk right from the sidewalk straight up to the front door. I feel like they'll invite me in whether they know me or not. Maybe offer me some bottled water, that's been chilling in the freezer for thirty minutes or so, it's the perfect drink after my walk on a hot day. We'd sit on the porch talking about books, movies, politics, and the beautiful weather we're having.... This is what paths straight from the sidewalk right up to the front door do to me.

I can now spot and name about fifteen different types of construction trucks, thank you little man. Rollers, excavators, forklifts, backhoes, scrapers yah dah yah dah... These are everywhere in the summer, thank goodness finally something to entertain my child in the car.

I've learned to appreciate these.....

I now know, I want to ride the beach cruiser myself not be on the handlebars. It hurts my ass to be on the handlebars, and also it's a total safety violation.

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You're in or you're out....

I am an outsider. I think many people are. Who is actually on the inside? Who is a member of this elite group that actually has their shit together? Are many people actually part of this group, or do they just put on that facade? I feel there are so many people out there who know what they're doing with their lives, know what they want, and have a plan about how to get there. I don't. That's the shameful, honest truth.

I think before I had my little boy, I was pretty sure about the world around me, confident in my abilities to live life. I had friends from different places, and things to talk about other than the amazing person my child is. He consumes me. I don't want this to sound as if that's a bad thing, I don't think it is. I just wonder what will happen when he doesn't need me. When he doesn't want me to hold his hand, when he chooses another playmate. What will be left of me? Clearly I can never go back to who I was before, nor would I want to. I don't think I was an AMAZING person. I just want some sense of who I am now to carry with me when he isn't completely consuming me, and I wonder if there's anything else left in there.

Life now is different, different goals, different friends, different ways of spending free time. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, it never sounded unimportant, it never sounded glamorous either. The truth of my life is, I don't know what the hell I am doing. I live day to day happily for the most part, but when I truly sit down and analyze who I am, I rely on no solid foundation. I stand on a wavy ship, that has no direction to sail, and to actually commit to one way is terrifying to me.

I look at my friends with husbands, kids, houses, religious duties, part time jobs, and etc. And I wonder how they do it. How they keep their shit together and do it well. Or at least put on a show that they are doing it well, and not on the verge of an overload meltdown. I used to live this life, (minus the religious duty), and I wasn't happy. And people will say, oh you weren't happy because you married the wrong person, but really is that all there is to it? If I had just happened upon the right person instead of the wrong one I could be happy? I don't think its that simple. Now, I'm getting into a matter of having the right attitude, right? with the right attitude you can be happy. Happiness is a choice I realize this, but at what point do your surroundings start to matter, and affect you. How long can one push away feelings of isolation, loneliness, and that sneaking suspicion they're under appreciated? We'll leave this alone for now. My point is I don't envy my friends with those things, and I'm sure they don't envy me. Do I miss my own house, my own space, my own way of decorating, my peace and quiet, my own messes, and my way of doing things? Yes, more than I can tell you, more than I can put in words. However, there are a lot of bad feelings I have toward the whole institution of marriage. Maybe some people, myself included, just aren't cut out for it. It might be, I'm too self fish, too independent, too critical, too stubborn, too set in my ways, too messed up. Where does that leave me though?

I don't want my kid to grow up in a world where he only comes home to me, where I have to work all the time in order to pay the bills. I don't want him growing up in some hole in the wall apartment because that's all I can afford, and I certainly can't live with my parents forever, for every one's sanity. I just feel like I want to be fearless again, maybe I never was. Perhaps that's why I am where I am now.

How long can someone live life not exactly knowing which direction will take them to where they want to be? Can I just act like I know what I'm doing until I get somewhere. "Fake it til you make it." I never believed in that saying. I've never been good at faking, being dramatic, yes, faking, not so much.

I might just have to chalk my feelings up as "one of those days." Maybe no one is actually on the inside, the inside of what? Maybe everyone has these days where they just feel like no one really gets them, and no one gets why they are the way they are. No one can really walk in another's shoes, and live the life they have lived which has caused them to think and feel the way they do. Maybe the only "in" someone really has, is with themselves. I am the only one in my head, and never will I have the ability to fully understand what is in another person's head, or see the world as they see it. I don't know if life will ever make sense to me. I don't know if I will ever have direction, and purpose. I just know that right now I am an outsider, outsider to some club for those who actually are better at life than me, which is not hard to do people. I am an outsider because people are living their lives, while I am waiting to decide which direction mine should be going. Until I decide I will be lead around by the little boy, who for right now needs me, and I need him.

Social Experiment 557342

When I was younger my mom used to bribe my sister and I to sit like ladies at church with dollar bills. Now when I think back on this my mom throwing dollar bills at young girls in dresses could have been taken the wrong way. But as I said we were young, and knew nothing of wanting a career where people threw money at you for a living. She would make us a deal at the beginning of the hour plus church meeting, if we could sit lady-like enough to hold a dollar bill the entire meeting between our knees, at the end of the meeting we could keep it. Of course when you're nine this is not only a great money making opportunity, this is also a great distraction to keep from listening to the speaker at the front of the church. Looking back at this, it was as miserable "sitting like a lady" then, as it is now.



The more people I talk to about what I'm doing the more I realize there is a very divided line between the sexes; On the male side they, of course, think it's a great idea, a wonderful way to express my femininity. They tend to love the way a woman looks in a dress, or skirt, and of course heels. Why do men love this? Do they have the same feelings when it comes to shorts? They still get to see a little leg. I have come up with a couple theories of my own. The first and most unpleasant; I think men love the prospect that they might get a little show, sick I know. However, with my unlady like ways they may have. Sick I know.
To any man out there reading this and getting offended that I would ever suggest your sex to be full of perverts, I apologize. I, of course, am not talking about you personally, but they are out there, and if I were more attractive, had a 22 inch waist, and a chest the size of large cantaloupes don't act like you wouldn't be trying to take a peek. Or if not you, someone you know, your potty mouth friend from work who pretends to be picking something up off the floor as the previously described woman walks by, but of course I know YOU personally have never and would never do such a thing.
The other reason I believe males are so for the whole dress idea, who doesn't like the person they're with to look put together? I know that when I'm out even with the little guy I like him to have his hair combed, I dress him in a cute little outfit, and have his face washed, etc. These past two weeks I have done my hair more than I have this whole year. I can't seem to justify not doing it when the rest of me is all dolled up, then people would be playing the "one of these things is not like the other" game with my attire and hair. I like to be out with people who take care of themselves, and wearing a dress and being done up is the epitome of that for a woman, is it not?



When I have told females what I'm doing they give the "why the hell would you do that to yourself look?" When they see me they ask how its going with a little knowing chuckle, in this chuckle they say I know you are miserable even if you do look more put together than usual. Women know what wearing a dress is like, it doesn't have to be uncomfortable, for short periods of time. If you have the right dress, it isn't too bad at all. However, as you get in to long stretches of wearing dresses you realize there is no way to not be constantly thinking about where your dress is falling and flapping, and who is getting a show they may or may not want to see. Women know that wearing a dress does require upkeep, and have too many other things to think about in their lives. The thing that has been the most consuming the past two weeks has been changing my comfort positions. How does one sit comfortably while not in Indian style? As I type this I realize I am sitting Indian style now, luckily I have on leggings. (which saved my life the last two weeks.) I love them, just not as much as I love my jeans. Men can usually sit however they want, their legs can be spread out across two continents and no one would think anything of it. Women can't get away with this, especially not in a dress.



After doing this I will most likely throw on dresses more often when going out, as I so often do with my crazy busy social life..... well four or five times a year when I leave my house other than for work, or the grocery store. I did discover there are benefits of a dress that I hadn't previously noticed. I did feel more put together, it made me put time into my appearance. My wardrobe has increased in my eyes, I no longer fear having to wear dresses only for the right occasion. I discovered a new love for leggings' how can you not love these pieces of stretchy goodness, that wrap themselves around your legs and keep you warm? They add color and fun to what may be an otherwise plain dress. Leggings are key for the everyday dress wearer, which by the way I don't suggest for anyone.

When all was said and done I hope if nothing else this experiment can bring people around the world together in one united cause.... yah dah yah dah, and world peace.

Dress Etiquette

Social Experiment: Nearing the end of Week One:
I have made it this far, and as I say this I am sitting here in shorts, dress-less, in my defense I have not yet showered today, and just woke up from a nap. Boy, do I sound like a winner. I worked this morning and upon returning home, a very tired little boy greeted me. He insisted on sleeping in my bed, which is understandable, my bed is what I imagine it would be like sleeping on the inside of a cloud. Wrapped up, cushioning your every movement. It's AMAZING! The tired little boy is still sleeping off his late night last night and early morning today. I really can't go back in there and wake him just to get a skirt.

Now, let me say I have gotten some flack for doing this experiment, there are nay sayers out there. People who think this is absurd, pointless, and undeserving of being called a social experiment. I have been mocked, tested, and called silly, but I have withstood this criticism. Some think this social experiment will prove nothing, to them I ask is changing the world all about removing the polluting factories, doing away with violence on television, adopting impoverish children from foreign countries, or could there be more to this? Isn't change brought about by opening people's eyes to the things in the world which they may not have seen before? Is it not educating young minds about different ways of life, living outside ourselves to prove the only way to change is to take the first step toward it. Think about it naysayers, critics, and concerned family and friends....

Doing this experiment has opened my eyes to a couple of things;
#1- 5 year old have different rules, than 26 year olds do. For example when a five year old wears a skirt she can still get away with doing this.....


When you're 26 not a good idea to be flung around in the air flashing your business for all to see. Although, what goes on behind closed doors, in a private environment is your business.

#2- As a mother, I sit on the floor and play, bend down, squat, and am generally not in a lot of positions which are conducive to a dress wearing lifestyle. I have been forced to sit more creatively on the floor, check behind me before assuming a squat, and paying attention to where my skirt falls. My position must be one which the dress falls in such way that the least amount of exposure is achieved. I have to think about angles, and peeping eyes, and sudden gusts of unexpected wind.

#3- In Utah our experience of Spring presents us with an array of temperature to be dealt with or enjoyed. In the last week it has snowed, when you are in a skirt and it snows your outside time is limited. My legs have slowly turned from whitey to smurf in no time flat, chills have taken over my entire body beginning with my bare legs, and working their way up. I curse the snow at this point, as I have been doing for months possibly years now, and I go on with my skirt wearing ways. On the other side of a Utah Spring, it was 70 degrees yesterday, my bare legs relished in the vitamin D, basked in the warmth of it, and my voice praised it's name, "SUN!!!" I sang, "Sssunnnnnnnnn...." The breeze was nice, and the dress convenient.


#4-Today I received my first "Are you leaving the house like that? You Look skanky" comment. The responsible dress quickly became my favorite. I probably would have worn the dress for the next two days if the little guy hadn't gotten a spaghettio fingerprint right on the front of it, causing a need for a trip to the washer.

#5- I miss jeans, more than I can say, it hurts to have been away from them for so long, and I hope to reacquaint myself with them as soon as possible. My experiment is only a little longer than a week from ending now, at which point I may sleep in my jeans just to welcome them back into my life.

Social Experiment

On a recent trip to Orange County I witnessed a woman in her forties (couldn't have been younger) wearing a skirt the length of my hand, (no longer) her forty year old ass was on display for everyone to see. EWWW.... She was with a man in his 60's (no lie here), who she was rubbing up on, and hanging all over. It was quite the display. Her skirt was poofy at the bottom, and her bottom was out of her skirt. The shirt she wore left little to the imagination, it was a halter top with some emblem in between her bosom to bring attention to the area. What? You need more attention lady?

I, myself am not much of a dress wearing woman. I like my jeans. I like them tight, butt hugging, thigh engulfing, low riding jeans. This episode in Orange county has not made me decide to wear skanky skirts, but seeing this public cry for attention has made me realize that wearing skirts/dresses can be inconvenient, uncomfortable, and not always my first outfit choice. So, I have decided to see if wearing a dress or skirt EVERYDAY can work for me. Clearly this is nothing life altering, but it does give me a new way to look at my closet. I gives me a reason to be girly, and it allows my legs the freedom to breathe.

Here are the rules:
1. I must get dressed before noon, (except for today)
2. I can wear leggings
3. I don't have to wear skanky skirts unless I choose to, in which case anyone reading this is forbidden to judge me, it is a social experiment after all.
4. If I get sick of the skirts and dresses in my closet I can go buy a new one as long as it is on sale.
5. I have to do this for two weeks straight except for when I go to work. k?
6. I can wear the same dress or skirt twice, just not two days in a row, b/c that just looks as if I have given up on life
7. The experiment started yesterday I am just a day behind telling this place about it.



At the end of the two weeks I hope to have made an impact on the world around me, as well as on myself. It's social experiments such as this one that allow others to open their eyes to the things in the world that are crying out for attention. Dress on everyone, dress on.

This was from day one of the experiment, which has yet to be named. For those of you who study this picture closely, yes I am wearing slippers. The rules said nothing about heels. Thank you.

Summer of 69 Thrift Store Refashion Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

Summer of 69 Thrift Store Refashion Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!

Random thoughts while running through M-Town

Why is it that every time I go past a 7 Eleven, there's a kid coming out dressed in black from head to toe, riding a bike, one of those that the seat looks as if its too short, and the handlebars are too high, of course he's smoking a cigarette. He has a friend with him, the friend has no bike, maybe it doesn't matter because the rate at which the kid on the bike is smoking he doesn't ride the bike too fast, or too far.

Another dog barking at me, are you kidding? Shut up dogs. You know they can have their barkers taken out, not a bad thing I wouldn't think. It seems every fence I run by there is another dog. Huge dogs, dogs the size of small villages. "Bark.. Bark!!" With their barks they say, I want to eat you alive, I'm stuck behind this fence in this crappy yard, where grass is nothing but a distant memory. I live outside in Utah weather with nothing but this fur to keep me warm. "Bark, bark bark." Take me with you, I can't live here any longer, I haven't been outside this yard in 10 years, dog years are longer than people years. Help me!! Bark, BArk, BARk, BARK!!! Take me or I will eat through this fence, and track you down.
Shut up dogs, I'm running.

There has to be a hurricane coming with this much wind, am I wrong here? Could it at least help push me along instead of blow right in my face, pah pah,,, yucky...why did I get bangs cut into my hair? Now I am eating them, pah pah...!

"So what, I'm still a rockstar I got my rock moves, and I don't need you..." Doing rock moves in my head. I'm actually quite a good dancer in my head. "I'm having more fun!!." Pah pah, bangs!!

Why would anyone golf in this weather? An extra challenge I suppose. There's no way to calculate the wind, it seems to be blowing in every direction. In fact I think I have wind lash.

I think those skinny horses are giving me the stink eye!! Whatever skinny horses. I realize you have nothing to do but wander around getting skinny and eating grass, but for those of us who have temptations such as Carmel popcorn and have tendencies to not exactly know when to stop and say enough is enough, I am going to be sick. Well, that's why I'm out here running. Stupid skinny horses. Stupid delicious Carmel popcorn. Sticky fatty goodness.

Is honking at the girl running in the hurricane wind really necessary?

"I need you to hurry up now, because I can't wait much longer.... la la let's get lost tonight you can be my black Kate Moss tonight, play secretary . .. " WHOA!!! What kind of girl does this Kanye think I am? First of all, I'm white as they come. Second of all......, well we won't even go there.

I think that dog may kill me. Why is he wandering the streets without a leash? He is huge. He should be locked up. I don't think I can exactly out-run him. Maybe I'll get lucky and one of these cars will run him over. I'm going to some kind of animal hell I'm sure of it. But it's either him or me. I have a child, I can't go down like this.

The phrase "Remember that one time at band camp?" It's funny I don't care who you are.

Pah pah, wretched bangs.

"Control yourself take only what you need from me. A family of trees falling... la la" Was the mystery ever solved about the tree in the forest falling and no one around to hear it? That was quite the debacle.

Is it better to live by the rules?

What is wrong with me? It seems I have this aversion to rules. I don't even think its on purpose, it just seems to happen. At work the past few months I have been going under hours, which at our work is a cardinal sin, one of the biggest don'ts. The thing is no one said anything for months, so I continued to go about my business of leaving as early as possible at night, and giving away as many shifts as I could. This worked well until a few weeks ago when I was called into the shift manager's office. I was told I had gone under hours 10 pay periods in a row, not good. I was also told I am allowed no more sick calls until August, and can't be late until then either. WHAT??? CRAP!!! At this point I was suspended for three days, which I pointed out would cause me to go under hours once more. They said I wouldn't be held accountable for these pay periods, I thought it was foolish because of the fact that their suspending me was causing me to involuntarily further my bad behavior. This did nothing to change their mind, and I got 3 days off.
Out of this whole suspension experience came yet another talk. I was forced to go talk with the main supervisor over my department, this in order to sign papers and come back to work. Well I've had run-ins with this man before. My aunt who works with him later told me he said, that I seemed cute and smart it just seemed like I wanted to fight him on everything. Do I need the conflict in my life? No. Do I care enough about this person to invest in fighting with him? No. Did he call me "bud" as I was leaving his office? Yes. Did I expect a playful punch in the shoulder to follow? Yes. It didn't.

Now, if it had been this one incident in my life that pointed to me being a non rule abiding gal I would probably change the behavior, laugh it off, go back to work and do better. However, this isn't just a recent problem I have encountered of unintentionally breaking rules, and having it backfire. Why can't I just obey the rules, and live contently like so many others seem to do?
>
I got booted out of BYU for honor code violations, I had a string of boyfriends whom my family and friends all disapproved of, for reasons I refused to see. These boys ended up being bad for me in different ways and because of different things, but I refused to give them up just because those who cared about me told me to do so. It was something about me thinking I saw something in them no one else could, because they weren't in the relationship in reality it was the other way around. Silly me.

I got pregnant and I thought for once following the rules and getting married would actually go in my favor. How can one girl be wrong so many frustrating times? I ended up leaving to do it mostly on my own, (with help from those who were bound by blood). I want to raise my child in a world where he looks past the rules once in awhile to discover new things, places, and people that maybe are beyond the rules. I don't want him to become a felon, a druggie, or a trouble maker, but I do want him to look past what the world tells him he should do, or what he has to do. I want him to see the world from both sides, as a rule keeper when its safest and in his best interest to do so. On the other hand I want him to push the limits to reach goals, see the world differently, and find out what works for him. He pushes the rules on a daily basis, and it drives me nuts, because he's not always safe, and doesn't always stay right by my side. He explores, he pushes, and he learns by doing so. How can I always say no?

I guess the question I am throwing out to the universe, to myself, is what is better to follow the rules and conform to what "we're supposed to do" or to be your own person live the way you way to and say F you world, I'll do what I want. (Within reason of course). Its not that I want to break the rules, its just that I don't always like following them. How can I be a good mother, employee, citizen, and person without doing it in my own way all the time? I don't need things my way ALWAYS!! Right?

Happenings in Ovid. . .

Ovid, Idaho folks, Ovid Idaho . .. . .

Snowboarding pics, there were lots of wicked sick jumps . .



At one point Mike felt it was necessary to attack his younger bro, he did later apologize, and they were fine, boys are so funny like that. Get mad, get physical, get over it. What a way to live.

Looking out off the sledding hill, you can see part of my grandparents house, barn, and shop, and of course the lovely, but cold, snow covered mountains.

These are just a bunch of trees from one of my snowmobile rides, I was quite happy to see some Fall color had hung on, even in this less than forgiving climate


Sunset in Ovid. I can't get enough of this stuff. I actually was loving it up there, crazy Amy.

Night ride, it was amazing up on this mountain. If I hadn't gotten stuck so many times on this particular ride, I'd probably suggest night rides to all. Instead I'll say ride at your own risk.

Its a Wonderful Life

I take great pride in the fact that I'm not a movie crier, I don't get emotionally charged very easily, and stay pretty level headed. That's why this morning while going through random blogs I got a bit of a surprise. Whilst reading through some random blogs, I came across one about the state of the U.S's economic situation. The author talked about a man whom had to be at least 70 asking for a job at Trader Joe's, and in the process flexing his bicep to ensure the assistant store manager he was strong and capable. In this same post there was a 9 minute clip from the movie "It's a Wonderful Life," Its at the end where George decides he wants to live, after he realizes his wish is granted he rushes home to hug his wife and children. Numerous neighbors and friends come to pile money on the table, money that will help keep George from being taken off to jail. I just was crying as I watched this, (what me crying? What's happened to me?) My justification, how often do I actually take the time to appreciate my life, and all that I have in it? How often do I over look things I should recognize and appreciate? How many times has the world passed me by as I've been too busy focusing on the mundane-ity of life, work, feeding the child, and stress that feels as if its creeping in on me? I know other people are good at balancing stress, work, gratitude, love, kids, and other important matters, why can't I be?


I guess I do have to admit life is great, I live in a world where my child consumes much of my time, energy, and day, and it is wonderful. I couldn't ask for a child with more wonder, adventure, happiness, and love. I'm healthy, I have good people in my life, I've had some wonderful experiences growing up, traveling, meeting many people that have affected my life in positive ways. I look back on my life and I have made some horrible mistakes, but without them I wouldn't be where I am today. Which, mind you, isn't my ideal or my optimal, but it helps me to strive for a better life for me and my little boy.
This world is full of good; its full of good people, amazing places, calming sunrises, and colorful sunsets, oceans and beaches that make life seem better just by being there, music that can alter and enhance moods, breath taking art, great food, mind changing movies, eye opening books, rainy days that make you appreacite the sunny ones even more, it has over-looked beauty and everyday heroes. Its often hard to see these things because life gets in the way.
Thank you George for giving me a moment to stop myself, and the world around me and realize that life is beautiful.

The Sacred Day of Love

Since Valentines Day is my absolute favorite holiday, the most necessary, and not a huge waste of a holiday, I decided to write a list of do's and don't in honor of this ever special day....

THE DO'S

Do: Shave your head leaving only a patch of hair in the shape of a broken heart. Dye this chunk of hair black. Big or small heart it matters not. Use this as an outward expression of your broken black soul.

Do: Sit outside Hallmark with an old school ghetto blaster playing, "I'm Lonely" over and over again until the store manager asks you to leave or he'll have the proper authorities show you off the premises. As you go carry your ghetto blaster on your shoulder, song still playing. Make sure not to cover up the broken heart on your head.

Do: Ring people's doorbells then run into the middle of their front lawns where they're sure to see you, and scream "STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!" (The ghetto blaster is optional).

Do: Go out to a nice restaurant by yourself Valentine's night, stare at couples intently, if they shift uncomfortably, that's fine. If they throw food at you, fine. If they get a different table, fine, request to move with them. If they invite you to join them for dinner, great, say you don't want to intrude, take your drink and join them as you're saying this, show them your ghetto blaster at this point.

THE DONT'S

The thing is there, really aren't any don'ts about Valentine's Day, other than don't hate on couples for wanting to use this day to express their undying devotion for one another. So what if they choose to do so in public, for all to see? The smooching, hugging, codling, rubbing their noses together, gazing into one another's eyes, sharing the same un-naturally long strand of spaghetti, and meeting in the middle of their candlelit table for a marinara kiss. All you need is love right? So go forth lovers, love on!!!!

Things that amuse me.

So I was looking at a picture book my mom pulled out to show me how much my child looks like one of my brothers, (the truth is that in one picture he does, but I don't see any striking similarities in others.) I think he just looks like him. Anyway, this book was chalked full of pictures of me from childhood, and to be honest I was kind of nerdy. I know this comes as a shock, even to me as I say it. I just look at myself in these pictures and realize I'll probably always be this way. One step behind in fashion, never wanting to take any real risks. Always playing it safe, and maybe I come off as boring and plain, but it doesn't bother me. I look at my older sister and think she's always been cute, fashion-like (as much as we could afford anyway), her hair was always up with the styles, and I just am like this nerdy, loud, tall girl. I was never shy or smart. . . just nerdy. Which seems contradictory, but that was me. I should scan a pic in to prove my point. I'll see what I can come up with.


There are many moments in motherhood that are quite laughable, I was driving the other day in front of a car that didn't appreciate the fact that I was going the speed limit. Who chose to follow me so close, which I didn't appreciate. So I was like, dude back off, you're so annoying. Finally the car backed off and eventually turned and I was like "Thank you dip . . .. ," in my not so sweet voice, and my child in the back seat in his sweet little voice chimes in "Tha..nk ....you." I just started laughing.

The other day nannying, the two brothers I watch were fighting over something, my child comes over to where I was standing away from them, throws his hands in the air, shakes his head, and breathes a sigh of what seemed like "We just can't win with these two." At least someone understands how I feel.

So work is finally at a point that I feel happy about who I work with again,there was a while there that it was a little rough, with the anal folk parading about, taking their job way more seriously than my job or theirs required. I realize we need these type of people in the world, but do I really have to work with them? Please Jesus, no. Its hard to describe the funny things at work, because when I write them down, few will get them, and they may not seem funny, but to me these small funny moments make my job much better than if my moments at work were spent with Anal _____, or Captain ______, or even Skanky ______. Anyway you get the idea.

I'll leave it at this, in the past month or so the following has occurred:

--2 tiny bags of sun chips for 90 passengers, that should do.

--"Are you hitting on her?" "No that's my niece. Thanks."

--"I actually own my own business, and do really well, I'm quite well off, however I work here full time, for the flight benefits." Crazy random liar guy. Inner laughter, ME.

--I just played cards for four and a half hours straight, and they're paying me for it. Also me.

--"So let me get this straight you're not going to go to San Fransisco, because you don't have coffee? You're going to cancel the flight over this? Me
"The passengers need coffee, they will not want to go without it." Flight Attendant, with her head in the clouds.
"So you think passengers would be more angry about not having coffee, then about not going to San Fransisco?" Me laughing outwardly.

-- " I can't come to work next Friday, tan legs is going to yell at me for not staying to listen to his meeting" Me
"Just tell him you unexpectedly started your period, and had to leave, go into details." Kyra
"Brilliant." ME

--The great soda spill of 2009, this occurred one cold January night, when the unnamed spilled 80 cans of soda every which way, soda gushed and sprayed, and shouted at the aluminum cans which held it hostage for so long.
Me laughing uncontrollably outwardly. Since then many more spills have occurred, the culprit will remain unnamed, me still laughing outwardly.

And now for the list, (of things that I find humorous and or amusing, or confusing):
-Cheesy wedding songs, for so many different reasons.
-The Office, so many one-liners, sometimes I zone out and think of these lines in my head, and find myself with one of those glazed over smiles and life is good again. Thank you Office.
-The thought of telling 4 year olds what I really think, but not actually doing it.
-Fighting fights you'll never win.
-The name Bernard
-Books, namely those that I read and wonder how on earth these people found someone to publish such bullshit
-Girls who try too hard.
-The line in the movie "Just Friends" where she yells across the bar, "No, I'M BUSY!! STUPID DICK!!!!"


-Guys who think they're hot because they spend hours a day in the gym, an go lay in a tanning bed for several hours after.
-Thinking about the time I had to walk 3 miles home from the bar in the pouring rain, and the offer that was placed before me on the way home, to make out in the cemetery. Don't worry I said no thank you.



-The music video days, this was before American Idol
- The fact that American Idol is so hugely successful
-The song Chris Farley sings in "Tommy Boy" Fat Guy in a little coat. I feel like that everyday of my life buddy.
-Will Ferrell as a Cheerleader on SNL. No wait I didn't find this amusing, I was just jealous I was never in that skit, other than in my heart.
-The time my other BFF sang to me in Spanish while in Washington DC
-When Kristi and I locked the freshmen in their room and Becky was pissed, ha ha.
-The time I told a Vietnam vet my nom joke, not knowing he was a Vietnam vet.
-"Sex and the City" not the movie, just the t.v show.
-The time I told the parents of my class I was not a Nazi, I was teaching at the Jewish Community Center.
-The line in the Hills, where Spencer tells Heidi, he's actually glad she got her job back so she could be done moping around their house all day, he's really sensitive.
-The time I told my youngest brother he was adopted and he believed me, and started to cry, because he wanted his real mom and dad.
-Telling someone to wrap it up when they're in the middle of a never ending story, and they look at you baffled.

Speaking of never ending stories I'll wrap this up...

Pics from the last couple of days

I was taking a picture of the bridge, and the sun which had been m.i.a all day was peeking through the clouds reflecting off the water, and this was just a lone weed. I think my new goal is to start finding more photo ops.






This is a bridge just off of Bangerter, although when I originally planned on taking pics today it was blizzarding outside, I'll have to take one another day, if the snow isn't elusive again.


I actually took this in my bedroom without opening the window (it was really cold out), I was surprised it turned out as clear as it did.





This is J cooking, or being cooked rather, inside joke I guess...

Monogamy.

So the whole concept of two people joining together as man and wife for as long as they both shall live, till' death do them part, for time and ALL ETERNITY!! Is this reality? Can this actually happen. Can two people who lead two separate lives actually join together in loving matrimony, and stay together for what they are promising to? It seems that everywhere I turn people are separating, going through a divorce, hating their spouse, or contemplating the what-ifs of single-dom.
I do realize there are people out their who have lived "happily" married for a number of years, but is this really the norm? do people really find someone who they can actually spend the rest of their lives with in wedded bliss, or is the world doomed to the ever-increasing divorce rate?

How do people actually make relationships work? I have yet to figure this out and feel I never will. How does a person put their spouses needs/wants first and not end up becoming resentful? I know there are countless books, seminars, classes dedicated to the subject of marriage and relationships, but I feel there is no magic ingredient, no special secret. I once thought that two people who dedicated themselves to one another, and to the marriage could do it, could actually make it through the 50 or so years they were both living together in wedded bliss, and maybe part of me still believes this, but as it often does my cynical side loves to take over.
Is marriage for everyone? Probably not. What's the best alternative? Living it up as if they never aged over thirty, going to bars, churches, coffee houses, in hopes of meeting their next relationship conquest. Going through partners like others go through sticks of gum, and spitting them out when the taste turns funny. After a string of sometimes fulfilling sometimes meaningless relations inevitably dying alone, a withered up old prune, some young nurse smacking them around in the nursing home is a person's fate.
I suppose there is another way, which seems to be America's way at present: multiple marriages, multiple divorces, never staying with one person for too long.
Research conducted from . . . somewhere has said that married people live longer, are healthier and happier, and are better with finances. So, marriage is the answer right?
If so, why do so many marriages end up in divorce? My theory is that there are no two people that were actually made for one another, no two people fit together just right. There is chemistry between people, passion, fire, love, longing, connections, however not every aspect of one's upbringing, personality, education, economic background, goals, ambitions, desires, hopes, dreams, ideals will fit with another's. There will be conflict, eruptions, days when one wants to leave the other. Weeks when one wonders why did I marry this person. No one will ever meet every expectation the other has going into the relationship. It takes commitment, work, communication, and of course desire to stay together.
By no means do I consider myself a relationship expert, I'm the opposite. However, I do believe that monogamy is possible for those who actually want to live it, and want to be in it. There are others who will never be content being with the same person for 50+ years or even 50+ weeks. In my opinion neither way is right or wrong, it's just a matter of what you are looking for. I ordered a book on line the other day called, "My Horizontal Life." I'm sure this will be a scandalous book, but I'm very interested to read about someone who at one point in their life clearly shunned monogamy. I personally am a one relationship at a time kind of woman, too much to keep track of otherwise.
On the other hand I still am clueless about how to be in an actual functioning long term relationship, maybe this will come with age, time, or a lot of therapy.

The Perfect Fit. . .

So I was reading today in "Vanity Fair", and yes normally I don't consider magazine reading "real" reading, however, there was a good article, and it took me more than five minutes to read it, which is another sign that hey, this article isn't just some fluffy easy read. Alright, so it was an easy read, but interesting and it did take me longer than five minutes, does it qualify for "real" reading? No, why are we even debating this? Lay off me, I just finished a novel, and yes it was good, but I haven't had time to search out another one quite yet.

So. . . in the article Cate Blanchett, was talking about a number of things, her career, marriage, children, projects, etc. One of the points she made got me thinking, she said, "I thought the most important thing was security, because of my mother. . . I thought I want to do something more practical." Of course she's speaking of her career, she was raised with two other siblings by a single mother after her father died. . . ."she found she couldn't get away from acting. . .It was inescapable. I loved the looseness and freedom.. . .when something is a vocation, you don't really make a decision about it." I found myself so jealous of this view. So envious of this passion. I know that other people feel this, and go on about their lives knowing that they do what they love, and what their hearts cry out for them to do. I am just not one of these people.

I work because I have to. I work because I have a child to support, and bills to pay, and a phone I don't want to get shut off. Is my work fulfilling? No, not always, well truthfully hardly ever. Do I wake up in the morning just over-joyed to traipse off to work? Let's not even answer that question.

Why is it so easy for some to find something that feels truly suited for them, while others struggle to find that perfect match? Why do some eighteen year olds know straight out of high school what they want to do for the next fifty years or so, and yet there are fifty year olds out there going, well I still don't know.
I heard somewhere once that the average adult changes professions like six times, like actual career paths. I was amazed., but I will probably fall into this category. I'll be the first to admit, that I am just average, but I still find myself wishing I could find that one profession that just called my name, and begged for me to love it, as it loved me.

Is it sheer luck for those that know what they want to do, are successful at it, and live happily doing it for many years? I'm not talking contentment here, I'm talking I love my job, and can't believe how lucky I am to be doing this for a living. This can't be the majority right? This has to be the minority of very lucky people.

One of my passions, photography

My favorite thing about photography is that you can tell a story with so few words. . . .

Sunrise off my back porch.













My Grandpa collects old cars






















Sunset off the front porch

Back to Sunrise. . . .

Photos of the kids. . .